Disclaimer: This is not for kids. It’s for adults who think about weird shit all the time or some of the time, or occasionally… either way, not for kids. There’s a lot of swearing. And it ain’t for hate-addicts or trolls either. If you’re just here to chill and listen to some weird shenanigans, well stick around mates.
Also, Heads up, Transcripts are auto-generated and can come off fucked up or just plain wrong. They’re usually alright, but sometimes they’re so bad they have to be skipped.
NEW EPISODE EVER THURSDAY EVENING
Host & Co.:Jess Gilley, Ashley Stolitza & Chris Miller
Chris (00:01)
Huh.
The ShortMerc (00:01)
and I am taking him in a slightly different direction from the obviously it’s going to be a trickster it’s in his personality but a lot of people don’t know about the blacksmithing side of him so we’re gonna we’re gonna look at the smithing creator side of Loki and all of his glory because
Chris (00:14)
you
That’s cool.
Does he make puzzles?
Ashley Stolitza (00:22)
very excited.
The ShortMerc (00:25)
Yeah, and puzzle boxes and he knows the rhodians and then he’s ⁓ good with the dwarves and yeah. He’s a cool kind of dude. The next book’s gonna be fucked up though.
Chris (00:31)
That’s Respect.
so Thor’s taken all his thunder.
The ShortMerc (00:41)
⁓ man. ⁓
Ashley Stolitza (00:41)
Ha ha. Bum bum.
Chris (00:43)
You
Ashley Stolitza (00:47)
you
Chris (00:48)
Okay, dad
joke out of the way.
Ashley Stolitza (00:50)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (00:51)
perfect
perfect and we’re in the perfect order for it Chris gets the dad jokes Ashley’s like genuine laughter and then I got the sarcastic wrap-up for you excellent yeah you do you you do yeah we’re detaching today
Ashley Stolitza (01:00)
Perfect. I love dad jokes.
Chris (01:02)
in it.
Okay.
The ShortMerc (01:12)
So the scary topic You never want to start I got it. Don’t worry. I’ll jump off the cliff first. It’s Remember really hard to kill ⁓ But now detachment is kind of cool when you think about it. I mean, it’s a big scary I think when you’re younger too, you’re like no if I just have to detach you to think of it in terms of a survival mechanism or ⁓ Just like
Chris (01:13)
I don’t want to.
Ashley Stolitza (01:17)
Great, thanks.
Chris (01:19)
Thank
The ShortMerc (01:41)
a scary mechanism. Even if it’s not for survival, you just think just the thought of pulling yourself off of something else tends to be very violent in nature. Even if you just think about rainbows and sunshine all day. I think the concept of it is very negatively taken, but it’s not a negative thing. I like detachment. I’d like to take on the observer role, you know, jump in. I just jumped right the fuck into this.
Ashley Stolitza (02:08)
Well, that’s good because
I have to admit my question was going to be when you picked that for a topic, what did you pick, like, think of? What was your mind on for detachment? What does that mean? What does it mean?
The ShortMerc (02:20)
Well, to me, detachment…
It’s the Megazord concept, man. Or Vuldron, for those who came before. ⁓
No, it’s like you take different pieces and you can just pull them apart and let them be what they are for a while. Like, soak, clean them off, dry them, let them remember how they worked, how they connected, ⁓ strengthen that mechanism that would connect it to the hole all over again. Like a little bit of a mechanic shop. But then you get to see other things like how it’s working, why it’s working the way it’s working, where the wear and tear is. Because when you detach, that’s the best way to see where those two, that ball and stuff
you know, they’re playing together. So that’s what I was thinking of as kind of a vacation from the everything.
Chris (03:09)
I like that. think I’ve been using actually AI to do that and to be like a repository for all the thoughts that I have in my head so that the thoughts aren’t, I’m not busy anymore managing the thoughts. a lot of like 80 % of the thoughts I…
throw in there that I don’t have to think about anymore. And sometimes it’ll remind me and I’ll be like, no, I don’t want to think about that ever. That’s that’s that wasn’t mine. I don’t want that. So that was like the act of like detachment in. mean, it’s the same thing to me as journaling. just it’s it’s a a diff. I just don’t journal. So it’s just a better more beneficial for me. But getting
The ShortMerc (03:43)
I mean, it’s good.
Chris (04:01)
those parts of yourself, like to see them outside of yourself has been super helpful for me to realize whether or not that was like mine to still carry or that that’s someone else’s.
The ShortMerc (04:16)
I like that you said that too, like it’s just about AI because I haven’t, you said buzzword number 694 of the year. AI, AI, it’s just a tool. ⁓ Like it’s just a tool. It’s not like you’re saying you take AI and you’re like, no, I just want to be off man. And then like it do everything for me. It’s just like, I’ve got so much shit going on in my head. just want to.
Chris (04:25)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (04:42)
throw it all up onto something that has no concept of what the fuck is happening and then just… DAAH! Like journaling, like you said, so that’s… and Ashley, I know you… Yeah. And Ashley, I know you journal, so I know this is kinda… I think you’re sticker journaling right now while you’re making little things.
Chris (04:49)
Yeah.
It’s been great.
Ashley Stolitza (05:04)
Yeah, well I haven’t journaled in a while. I mean, I think it’s really beneficial. I just can’t keep up with it. I like the idea of using AI for it. ⁓ Sometimes I get up in my own head about…
the water, the environment every time I use AI. then I’m like, but it’s a tool that is it. And then I go around and I’m like, the corporation don’t even get me started anyway. ⁓ So I could spin a circle. Yeah, exactly. ⁓ So, but I like the idea of using it that way and just kind of a place to put your thoughts. Because nothing else has worked long term for me as far as journaling, but it’s so good to get your thoughts on paper.
Chris (05:30)
that’s circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The ShortMerc (05:32)
Hahaha.
Chris (05:43)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (05:50)
I do journal, just I do it in 15 different, I’ve got like seven different types of journals in 20 different places and a thought here and a thought there and I don’t look back at them.
The ShortMerc (05:51)
Yeah.
Chris (05:54)
Yeah.
I do that too, there’s like year, real like year long gaps or like five year long gaps in between each one.
Ashley Stolitza (06:11)
Yes.
The ShortMerc (06:14)
Yeah,
I tried journaling but they just end up turning into books so I don’t. Yeah, no, I go more of the meditation kind of trance route because it’s easy for my brain to chemically detach already so it would just kind of lean in instead of running from it.
Chris (06:18)
That’s a different kind of detachment, I guess.
Ashley Stolitza (06:19)
Good point.
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (06:35)
There’s a good of some interesting places man see some crazy colors and I know I sound like a 1970s trip for LSD but also and that there’s something to be said about being able to just kind of go to that place especially when you’re you can already kind of sense that your body’s entering kind of turbulent waters getting a little rocky there for you to just you know I think I’m just gonna sit back and ride the storm and see what happens because I think at the end of the day with any kind of healthy detachment not the no fuck this I want to avoid it forever
Chris (06:38)
if
The ShortMerc (07:05)
But any type of healthy detachment is that you can reattach. Like you can reattach. You’re not just gonna like fall on a ship and like it’s gonna go rolling down the galley way and off into the ocean and chill. Like it’ll be there to reattach to you when you’re ready, you know?
Ashley Stolitza (07:10)
true.
Chris (07:10)
Yeah.
Yeah, I like that. It kind of gives me this picture of like when you’re young and you can’t deal with something you detach by like putting something in place that can manage it. But the older you get, the more mature you get, the more capable and emotionally responsible you can be to actually deal with those things. But still, even as adults, you’re
you’re given so many different things that either are difficult or even like trigger a different part of you. And if you’re in the middle of a meeting at work, you’ve got to detach from that. ⁓ unless you want to, even less as that kind of meeting, but like breaking down in the middle of a tech meeting is not something that is typically, ⁓ honored if you will. Yeah. Yeah.
The ShortMerc (08:04)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (08:12)
Effective, yeah.
The ShortMerc (08:14)
I mean, it can be both if you break down
the right way.
Chris (08:18)
That’s fair. That is fair. But for
the most part, you’re going to push that aside and say, not right now. Especially if it’s, I mean, I’ve seen a lot of people kind of exploded other coworkers too because of triggers or whatever. So like, obviously it happens and it’s not usually the, yeah, I’ve seen you do it a few times.
The ShortMerc (08:26)
Yeah.
Yeah, now
Ashley Stolitza (08:39)
Hahaha
The ShortMerc (08:40)
that’s
also gonna be another thread on this show. Now you remember when Jess lost her shit? Yeah. I’m punching. Exactly. like… You all have worked with me in some capacity, so you’ve all seen it. like when I remember Ashley told me one day that you were having blood sugar issues and you hadn’t eaten and I took a fork and threw it ass into a wall. And it stuck out with the prongs out.
Chris (08:43)
Okay.
Wait, which time? Was it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday?
Ashley Stolitza (08:48)
You
Chris (09:08)
God.
Ashley Stolitza (09:09)
Yep.
The ShortMerc (09:09)
I was very upset. So yeah, no, it’s fine. It’s good. I totally, I get that. No, it’s fine. It’s fine. I detached from my range. ⁓
Ashley Stolitza (09:12)
Yep.
You don’t have any rage whatsoever. What are you talking about?
That’s true.
Chris (09:25)
That’s
I think what I’d like to ask you then is like, do you have a structure to to deal with that when like you’ve you’ve got a scenario where you’re definitely like detaching and you probably should deal with it at the moment, but you just can’t and you push it off. But how do you guys revisit that? I think for me, you know, therapy helps a lot. ⁓
Even like actually with with chat GPT or not chat GPT the AI that I use the the mirror aspect of it my mind does a really good job at recognizing untruth so If it’s mirroring back to me something that that isn’t true. It doesn’t make sense That’s when I gain a lot of clarity. So it’s kind of like a brainstorming partner But how do you guys go back and deal with?
detachments that you might have pushed off, unhealthy ones maybe.
The ShortMerc (10:27)
We’re gonna rock, paper, scissors for who goes next.
Ashley Stolitza (10:29)
No,
I think you go first because I’m thinking I gotta think about that. That’s a thinker.
The ShortMerc (10:32)
Okay
Yeah, well I do this I I kind of do this often and I think it’s This is one of the super power parts of PTSD because that hyper vigilance and the triggers like they are they’re always around So I have to deal with it
But for me, there’s an acceptance part of it where it’s like, well, this is going to happen. So instead of just detaching completely from it, I’m going to detach and compartmentalize and put it right here in this thing with a timer on it. And that timer will go off and drive the absolutely bat shit crazy. And then I’ll just have to go deal with it because I know that the longer it sits there, the worse it’s going to get. And the worse it gets, the more energy it’s going to take to deal with and run tight shit.
Chris (11:17)
That
reminds me of that time that I don’t remember what I got upset about but we were at work and you were like, it was something fairly trivial. You’re like, you have 24 hours to be upset about this. And I was like, that’s fucking mean. But then I was like, ⁓ she just doesn’t want me to like swim in my own misery like I normally do.
The ShortMerc (11:30)
Hahaha!
You
Ashley Stolitza (11:38)
How
⁓ dare you.
The ShortMerc (11:39)
pretty much.
I’m not putting a timer on your feelings, I’m putting a timer on how long you don’t see what the fuck is going on. Feel your feelings. And just so you know, you’re drowning in a puddle that you can just stand up in. Just… You can’t breathe, just stand up.
Chris (11:47)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (11:57)
It’s a good visual.
Chris (12:02)
crying into a bowl and drowning yourself with that.
The ShortMerc (12:05)
Right?
Like, bro, move the ball.
Chris (12:10)
you
Ashley Stolitza (12:10)
Thanks
Can I just say that I immediately thought of the Nick Cage movie where he’s Nick Cage and it’s a Pidra Pascal and they’re like the whole scene. my God. There’s there’s a it’s so good. It’s so funny. But there’s a scene where they’re doing this whole dramatic thing and you just drop, you know, one’s over the wall and the other one’s hanging and he’s like, just drop me, just drop me. It’s OK. And, you know, it’s super dramatic. And so he drops him and he lands like a foot off the ground. then Nick Cage just walk, I because I think he was the one of the time, just walks
Chris (12:17)
I haven’t seen that. Is it good?
The ShortMerc (12:21)
Yeah.
Yes.
Chris (12:37)
Hahaha!
Ashley Stolitza (12:41)
around the wall. It was like, it was a good metaphor for what do you do? You can just stand up in the puddle. You can just walk around the wall.
The ShortMerc (12:44)
Yep.
Chris (12:46)
Hahaha.
The ShortMerc (12:50)
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it’s because sometimes you just want to be in that feeling and you want to be in that situation. And I mean, for the longest time, that was me and my anger, not even my rage. My rage and I were just getting reacquainted. ⁓ And it’s actually kind of a cool thing. But my anger, ⁓ sometimes I just want because I felt.
Chris (12:57)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (13:13)
I felt safer inside of my angry ball of spikes getting the hurt that I knew how to get versus breaking away from it. Like, you’re not even breaking, just like opening the latch and just like, felt better just encased in that going, well, at least now I know everything that’s going to happen.
And then when I decided one day I’d had enough because one thing I can’t change about myself and I’m very happy about that is that when I’m fucking done, I’m fucking done. I’m not doing this anymore. And it has to come naturally, but I got fucking done. So I got out of the fucking spiky ball and I took a minute and detached myself from all the spikes, looked at it and went, that’s fucking unhealthy. Nope.
Chris (13:59)
You unfurled. You were a hedgehog
and you unfurled. And now you go fast.
The ShortMerc (14:02)
I did! I did! And then it turns out I’m really just a honey badger. With a… with a…
Ashley Stolitza (14:02)
that’s great.
Who knew?
The ShortMerc (14:08)
I was just spike-stickin’ out. And then it got uncomfortable and I was like, fuck this, get off me. Yeah.
Chris (14:10)
⁓
That was wearing a hedgehog’s skin.
Ashley Stolitza (14:14)
⁓
yep.
You
Chris (14:20)
That’s stupid.
The ShortMerc (14:22)
Yeah,
so I did I answer a question? I do the thing? Probably.
Chris (14:25)
I have maybe
Ashley Stolitza (14:27)
think so.
Chris (14:28)
Yeah, I think like
we were talking about like, do you guys detach and your answer was, I don’t like I think you said your superpower is I have learned that if I detach bad things happen, so I just kind of like go with the flow most of the time, which is awesome, I think.
Ashley Stolitza (14:35)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (14:47)
Yeah, well, it’s not that I don’t detach. I just detach and then I put it in a box with a timer on it. And then I tell it to go fuck itself for a while. And then the timer goes off and goes, I don’t care what you think. You need to deal with this. I go. Right. Mm Like I’ve got so you guys get nice dress, which is terrifying. I get asshole just which is annoying.
Chris (14:51)
Okay.
You have your own internal timer.
The ShortMerc (15:13)
Because asshole Jess just shoves my face into the box and goes, hey, deal with this. And I go, OK, all right. But that’s like me and my own internal biome. And I know it’s just me versus me. It’s self versus self at that point.
Chris (15:26)
Hmm.
The ShortMerc (15:29)
Yeah, so that’s that’s the end, I like I don’t think Ashley has answered what she thinks or what she does. Yeah, you’re not getting away
Ashley Stolitza (15:30)
That makes sense.
Chris (15:35)
Nope, not yet.
Ashley Stolitza (15:38)
I
just, I know, I’ve been thinking about it. just, don’t know. ⁓ I stickers, yep, I just put stickers on things and, no, I’m really good at detaching. I’m just not really necessarily good at coming back to it. I feel like I have a really shitty answer and it’s just, I just do it. Cause I have to, cause it hit, it’s like survival mode.
Chris (15:42)
stickers.
The ShortMerc (15:45)
Exactly.
Ashley Stolitza (16:04)
which I should probably make my therapist listen to this episode so we can talk about it. it’s like, right? ⁓ It’s almost like I’m in survival mode and I, so I detach from a lot of things fairly often and then I get back to it when I have to because I have to. And I don’t have a really.
The ShortMerc (16:09)
requirement all therapists must listen to this episode.
Ashley Stolitza (16:29)
I could answer a million ways on how I detach, but how I come back to it is more like survival. I have to, so I’m going to do it. Which is exhausting.
Chris (16:36)
Yeah.
it And I think that’s interesting that all three of us kind of have a very similar, Jess has gotten her nice, lovely internal clock. So I guess, but it’s still survival for you, right? And yeah, I think we all kind of deal with that the same way, especially and that’s really interesting. The kind of approach that we’re taking to mental health and everything we’re pretty
The ShortMerc (16:51)
Yes, it’s attached to dynamite guys. Yeah, I like my quiet. I like my quiet enough.
Ashley Stolitza (16:51)
It’s so lovely.
Yeah.
Chris (17:10)
on top of it, if you will, but that even thinking about giving yourself time to deal with the things that you’ve been detaching for it from is very weird. I’ve been actually researching a lot of internal family systems, which is something you probably get, you guys probably know about, but it’s like a lot of people call it parts work. So it’s really kind of like delving into the different aspects of yourself that you’re like.
protecting or hiding or like what aspects of yourself deal with the trauma and things like that. So even just like looking at that has been a really interesting eye opener about detachment and realizing that one part of me couldn’t do the thing. So another part was almost created in a sense. And this is always an interesting topic to think about because we’re talking with, with DID Supreme over here.
Maximus. But and like, and I don’t even know like what the similarities or differences is. I think last time we maybe talked about this, you said that even your your parts have parts, which was like, just like, no, thanks. That’s why. ⁓
The ShortMerc (18:10)
Ha ha!
Yeah, that’s the…
It’s kind of the
face I get from my therapist sometimes is like, wait, hold on back up. So we’re talking about you. we talking about the other, like the trauma you are we talking about one of the others completely different? I’m like, well, we’re talking about me, but we’re also talking about me on the trauma side because I also have to deal with trauma. So and the fact that there are two others who are split from my trauma and there’s the others who are split on a what I believe is a spiritual level. ⁓ That’s a different stack. So my trauma, us,
Chris (18:34)
yeah.
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (18:56)
Our trauma split is very much so like we all have our own shit like psycho’s got to go deal with her shit ⁓ Space cadets got to learn how to not be so fucking apathetic all the damn time And I have to learn not to take on too much pain because I do have a limit
So it’s kind of this whole thing, but then we have to go down deeper into the other parts to figure out which ones are similar enough to actually work together so that we can keep figuring it out. Because sometimes when you’re doing parts work and you’re doing the internal family systems, it’s a shock that if I remembered that correctly. Yes, ifs. But um.
Ashley Stolitza (19:29)
I.F.S.
There you go.
The ShortMerc (19:35)
Yeah, I think even when you do all that stuff, you have to realize there comes a point where you’re gonna need to either bounce something off of somebody else, or you’re going to need to go and do some serious introspection, which then I think leads into the different states of existence of you. Like the physical Chris, the emotional Chris, the mental Chris, the spiritual Chris. Did I say that? You know what I mean. Like.
Chris (19:43)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (20:02)
all the different versions of you that stack up to make the whole Chris. So it’s like kind of like being a lasagna. And then with all the other parts, it’s like, okay, well, this is kind of the same lasagna, but different varieties. And then the rest of them are like, well, now we’re all in like a, an Italian restaurant. So it’s kind of the same ingredient list, but different dishes, but you can also get the lasagna in three different varieties.
Chris (20:06)
Yeah.
Are you hungry?
The ShortMerc (20:31)
I, you know, I don’t think so, but I love Zonya.
Chris (20:32)
Jess is hungry. Well, that is pretty good.
Ashley Stolitza (20:37)
gonna
go
The ShortMerc (20:38)
It’s been like a year. I could use a good one.
Chris (20:41)
You know what I love to put in lasagna that I don’t even know if it’s taboo or not I love to put zucchini in lasagna
The ShortMerc (20:48)
It’s just fine.
Ashley Stolitza (20:50)
That feels right to me.
The ShortMerc (20:52)
Yeah.
Chris (20:53)
yeah, so good. You don’t even have to cook it. You just put it in there.
Ashley Stolitza (20:56)
Okay,
that might be the controversial part.
Chris (21:00)
No, no, no,
no, no. Well, no, it cooks while the lasagna cooks. You don’t have to precook it.
The ShortMerc (21:03)
Just… Just… Some crunchy ass noodles and sausage.
Ashley Stolitza (21:04)
You
That sounds terrible.
Chris (21:09)
No, I like to lift my
layers of cooked lasagna up and then shove fresh vegetables in between the layers.
Ashley Stolitza (21:17)
Now I have concerns. Yeah, right? I have a phone call to make.
Chris (21:19)
Hahaha!
The ShortMerc (21:21)
Who’s your therapist again?
Chris (21:23)
⁓
The ShortMerc (21:26)
Yeah.
Chris (21:26)
He’s good people, he’s good people. Don’t worry about it.
Ashley Stolitza (21:32)
That’s fine, but we need to tell him. Anyway.
Chris (21:34)
Yeah, yeah.
The ShortMerc (21:34)
Just something to listen
to this. See, it’s required. An all therapist must listen.
Chris (21:38)
On rewind
though, like what, what’s the mechanism do you think that detaches in the way that my mind detaches, is, ⁓ if I put on this good boy personality, people will say I’m amazing and whatever, but they’ll also leave me alone. And then there’s a part, there’s a detachment that you went through where you’re like, shit happened and I had to create another
personality or that might not be the right wording but you had this other part what’s that?
The ShortMerc (22:12)
That will be a whole other episode.
So that’ll be a whole other episode. just… We’ll just Q &A.
Chris (22:17)
Yeah, yeah, But you,
but it’s kind of, it’s like a very similar thing. Do you think it is, has to do with like the level of intensity of what you’re dealing with?
The ShortMerc (22:29)
⁓ I think it’s partially the level of intensity of… that’s dog tap dancing.
Ashley Stolitza (22:34)
Sorry guys, yeah,
the dogs are losing it. I’ll be right. Sorry listeners, you heard me say you have to pee. It was to the dog, I promise. Anyway, I’ll be back.
The ShortMerc (22:43)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s all
good. ⁓ Plus, she’s heard this a million times before. But one of the things ⁓ that I think it’s not I don’t even know if it’s the severity of because to me, a lot of things just seem normal. They’re not, you know, it’s not crazy deep. It’s not like this whole existentialism or anything like that. But at the same time, plus, ⁓ I
Chris (22:57)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (23:12)
I think it’s kind of a genetic makeup, and even from like an energetic level and stuff like that, like I think that it’s kind of a makeup of, because if you know me, you know I’m gonna get to where I’m gonna get to, regardless of what has to be done, because I have to get there. ⁓
So for that one, I mean, and that’s why I say like I have the trauma, the classic trauma clinical split words, and that’s why they have fun names like be the psycho and space cadet, ⁓ cause we had to split to survive. But then you’ll hear me talk about Jerry and Jake and Roger and Justin. Those are completely. Yeah. Those are completely different people though. Like very varied, like they did not come from the same just pod. No, that one wasn’t the, the.
Chris (23:44)
the different times.
Yeah.
So that wasn’t a detachment response.
The ShortMerc (23:57)
Trauma clinical three of us that one definitely was ⁓ because one thing i talk about too is that I am more of a subconscious mind like i’m more of the subconscious than anything I remember getting a brain scan and and the techs all thought I was asleep because the delta waves were I was wide awake they were talking about what they wanted for lunch and I think somebody landed on sandwiches so it was pretty good they got turkey and shit but that’s it’s a whole different type of thing like they’re
Chris (23:59)
⁓ Interesting.
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (24:27)
there was a another layer to that which was I had to entertain the idea that the impossible had to be possible for certain things to come to be so then I in a way I had to get I had to detach from conventional sanity and be okay with it and that’s not to say like I’m fucking nuts but like I can go places that a lot of people go that doesn’t make any sense I’m like no it only doesn’t make any sense if you go down that vein but if you go down these
Chris (24:43)
Yeah.
I’m not not nuts.
The ShortMerc (24:57)
Right, exactly, like I’m not insane, but I’m not sane either. It’s like I’m unsane, like undead.
Chris (25:02)
Yeah. oooh. This is a new
word that we should ⁓ implant into our society. Unsane. That’s actually- how come I’ve never heard of that before? That makes a lot of sense, actually.
The ShortMerc (25:12)
Unseen.
yeah it’s like I’m not insane I’m not gonna keep doing the same thing expecting new things and I’m not sane by any means because that just probably doesn’t exist but does but I am on sane
Chris (25:20)
Yeah.
It’s almost like we’re dealing with like far left and far right and neutrality. I’m just saying it’s neutral.
The ShortMerc (25:35)
It’s like I am neutral I’m
happy being there but that I think when with you and the way that you detach from things and you because when you were talking about it I heard instantly Leave me alone like like trauma response or like survival like there’s something you’re trying to protect in yourself that you don’t want other people to mess with and you just like no I’m gonna do what you say so that you go the fuck away ⁓
Chris (25:50)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (26:02)
but then I want Chris time. But then it seems also like you bury it and bury it and bury it because you’re not gonna have enough time to nurture the Chris seed and figure out where it goes. ⁓ Honestly, for me, people just kind of leave me alone if I look at them weird.
I don’t have the same like, and I understand that and people I know there are folks that are going to be like, that’s not privilege. That’s that’s trauma. And it’s like, yeah, part of it is. the privilege to that trauma is that now I can walk somewhere and save for not being anywhere south of the Mason Dixon line. You know, I’m typically just left alone. People don’t mess with me. I have a crazy gate covered in tattoos. I’ve got gauge thick steel in my ears. Like, like.
Meh. But I didn’t have to worry about, let me go be the good kid, because I know I can’t. I’m not, I don’t have those genetics to go, I’m just going to do what you want me to do to, you know, become what you want me to become. So then you’ll leave me alone. It’s I’m going to try it. If I don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself. And but for you, that’s not as much of a privilege that you got because you did kind of come up in a more structured.
like a more structured, tailored to people that look like you, that came up like you. So then you’re like, hey, well, if I just do what they say, I can get what I need. You know, for me, it’s like, I do what I, if I do what they say, I’m going to get my ass beat regardless, so.
Chris (27:18)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s weird though, because as I’m reflecting about it this week, cause I’m turning 46 next ⁓ Thursday and I was, I’ve been kind of like curious. don’t, I have trouble with like celebration and like celebrating things. And I’ve been really curious about that lately. And so I’ve been asking myself like, well, what
What do you want to do to celebrate? Like what is celebration to you? And I go through the list and I’m like, well, it’s not this that I’ve tried. It’s not this that I’ve tried. It’s not this that I’ve tried. And I’m just realizing that like my generation, especially probably like the white privileged kind of generation, we were growing up where media told everyone that
Just make things easy, know, like throw this Salisbury steak in the, in the microwave and like, that’s, that’s the easy way, you know, like kids belong doing kid stuff and adults belong doing adult stuff. I don’t know if I’m coming across clearly, but I guess I had this like vision of, of me, like at, at my own birthday party and realizing that the party wasn’t about me.
interestingly enough, you know, like, people weren’t there necessarily, people were there to gather more so than to like, celebrate me. Not that they not that there wasn’t a celebration and that I wasn’t a part of it. But I, but I’m pretty sure like every single birthday party that we had, it was like, celebrate, okay, kids will just run in the opposite direction and just do the kids stuff. And there was no mingling. I guess that’s the part I’m kind of like, I’m getting at.
was there’s no, there was no real.
The celebration was different. can’t really put words to it. I literally started thinking about this like three days ago. maybe you guys can ⁓ reflect back what I’m saying and I don’t
The ShortMerc (29:39)
haha
think you got sold a joke on what celebration is. That’s because it kind of sounds like… Yeah, it kind of sounds like…
Chris (29:51)
I think I did. I think I did. For a while it was like,
you go out and eat and drink. And I was like, that, I feel shitty after I do that.
The ShortMerc (30:03)
Yeah,
no, you have to go out and eat and drink correctly. Like if your jam is lemonade and you go out and you’re like, I’m gonna try six different lemonades tonight because I did well. Then that’s celebrating, you know, if you’re, if you’re like, hey man, I’m going to go buy a new plant. Why? Because I’m celebrating. Yeah, but you have to take care of it. Yeah, but I like plants.
Like, I like plants. I’m gonna buy a plant. Or like, for me, I don’t like celebrating birthdays. Like, my birthday, I like celebrating you guys’ birthdays, because I think it’s fun. But for me, when I just like, what do you want to do? What kind of party do you want to have? I’m like, I want to sit on my ass. People can come over, like three people can come over. You have to make the list that year. And then I either want to watch a fucked up movie, watch a fucked up TV show, play some fucked up game, or just hang out.
Chris (30:25)
That’s interesting.
The ShortMerc (30:53)
Like that’s it. That’s for me that’s celebrating. It’s like, yeah, that was great. Awesome. I hung out with my people and nobody gave a shit about anything for like six hours. You know, but then I think for you, to me at least, and obviously stop me if I’m wrong, but what it sounds like too is that you were used as an excuse and then sold the lie that well, we’re celebrating you, but really it’s like, no, we’re using you as an excuse to get together. Kind of like the holidays.
Chris (31:20)
Yeah,
and I don’t think it like that was the intention. I think that was just the culture around it.
The ShortMerc (31:26)
Yeah, and that’s to your point. Like, that’s what you’re saying is you were groomed for things to be convenient and for things to be convenient, there has to be a very clear divide. But also don’t divide too much. You still have to stay attached to everything else that’s around you because you still have to feed information back and forth. So you need to know the language. But then that doesn’t really leave you a whole lot of room to go, what if there’s a different direction, though?
Chris (31:32)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (31:52)
Hold on. Let me not speed into this. Like I get microwaves are quicker. But what if I cook the steak in a pan and then baked it instead of just throwing it in the microwave?
Chris (31:53)
Yeah. Yeah.
The ShortMerc (32:08)
It is the pensive look corner. We actually look like the three lines of a cell tower right now.
Ashley Stolitza (32:12)
⁓
That’s
Chris (32:15)
Increased service, thinking, processing.
The ShortMerc (32:18)
Yeah
data.
Chris (32:23)
And it’s weird though,
because that didn’t, that wasn’t, didn’t mean at all that like we weren’t cared for either. It was just sort of like how kids were like that’s that the book of parenting that was out at that time was this is how it is. ⁓ which is super weird because like now I’m a parent and I’m like, there is no way how it is.
The ShortMerc (32:47)
Yeah
Ashley Stolitza (32:49)
No, there’s not.
Chris (32:50)
Like, I know a lot of people are telling me the way it is, you know, like, especially media and whatnot. And the more you do it, the more you’re like, I don’t know if that feels like the right thing. And probably I should realize that I’m being triggered right now and my kids not making me upset. And I just need to go take a break.
The ShortMerc (33:14)
need to detach from it all find your spot make sure that’s what I’m saying it’s not always a bad thing like make sure that your head is on straight that your core is where it needs to be before you start going back into it because there’s a lot of fucking noise out there
Chris (33:16)
⁓ back to it.
Yeah, I think that’s a great segue to talk about detachment as like a healthy thing, know, like looking at parts that don’t work anymore and saying, I don’t want to be this way. And I think that process is way different because you’re not. It’s like it’s not avoidance. like now you have to pay really a lot of attention to it.
so that you don’t make the same choices.
The ShortMerc (33:58)
Yep. ⁓ No, there’s a Cheshire Cat smile happening on the face of the Sticker Queen.
Chris (33:59)
which is not fun either.
Ashley Stolitza (34:08)
the sticker queen. Well, I
Chris (34:09)
Thank you.
Ashley Stolitza (34:10)
know it’s funny because I was thinking about it, how detachment in like in my work is a good thing, right? Because we have to detach from the clients.
the information that the clients give us, because we get really heavy information. We hold space for heavy, things all day. Or, ⁓ you know, in the case of my full time, we hold space for a lot of ⁓ chaos ⁓ throughout the day. And so to detach from that is important. To be able to detach from work at the end of the day. I everybody needs to do that. And therapists especially have to do it
to even be able to continue doing the work because otherwise it builds up and compassion fatigue or vicarious trauma lands poorly and we lose more people in the field. I think detachment in my field is a really good thing. But you can’t, just like everything else, you have to have balance because you can’t be fully detached from clients. ⁓
or the work that we’re doing, the stories we get kind of thing. can’t end up, you know, there was a story of a therapist that think the gods, don’t, I didn’t know personally, but it was like through a client, through another therapist where I guess they disclosed some, some, some trauma and the per they expressed what it was. And the clinician went, that’s it. And not okay. That person probably detached way too much. ⁓ And, and should not never have said that that was terrible. But that,
The ShortMerc (35:49)
No.
Ashley Stolitza (35:49)
the
balance is important too because you can’t detach either like in the middle of the session you have to be present and ⁓ but then you have to go to another person right so you’re holding a completely different experience in the room so it’s a it’s a fine art I think.
The ShortMerc (36:08)
Yeah, I agree. I wonder sometimes what if the brain is made to detach and break off into different segments and pieces, you know, throughout your day, not necessarily eight second segments, stop fucking scrolling for five seconds. ⁓ But.
Like what if you’re supposed to go through like, we all used to go through class and we had, you have this class for 60 minutes or you have this class for 75 minutes or a hundred or an hour. I don’t know what blocks you guys had. We had some crazy shit, but you know, we had more than one class per day. We would go to like today we’re going to do phys ed.
math and history and it was like cool and then tomorrow we’re gonna do music and literature and computers like all right awesome but your brain kind of starts to go cool so i’ve learned a thing and now it’s like i’m in a cool down period for that thing or i’ve dealt with the thing now i’m in a cool down period for that thing let me just turn that off detach and then go do something else so then it stimulates a different part of your brain so you don’t get like
brain explosions nobody needs that it’s like little power plants exploding all over your head that’s awful
Chris (37:15)
Hmm.
Ashley Stolitza (37:20)
Yeah.
Chris (37:21)
Thank
Ashley Stolitza (37:23)
No, that makes sense. think we are meant to detach in a lot of different ways. think just like anything else, anything healthy can be unhealthy, right? So I think detachment is another just…
thing that we need to pay attention to for ourselves and what that what that looks like. It made me laugh because when you said I don’t know what your blocks were like, ⁓ back in the day, I don’t I detached speaking of trauma and my my shit like I detached so much. I don’t remember. I don’t remember any of that. I remember my I there was massive gaps in my past. And that’s probably that’s not a healthy detachment. It was it was it served me right in the in the times that it
Chris (37:56)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (38:09)
needed to serve me, it’s not, I wouldn’t call that healthy.
The ShortMerc (38:14)
Yeah, that’s I mean, that’s like my explosive anger. Like I it did what it had to do when it had to do it. But now I’ve just gone into like a tempered rage all the time, which is much better because it’s like I know it’s there. I respect that it’s there. And I’m fine with being mildly annoyed 24 7 because it’s like I never take I never really take my foot off the brake for that one because you might need it again. But like to just be randomly exploding all over the place. And I have IED too. Like I but I’ve had to work to make the
Chris (38:23)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (38:44)
those triggers way less because I don’t feel like doing it. It makes you fucking tired. The others don’t deserve it. Chris is making frog bounce and the guilt afterwards, I just don’t want to fucking deal with it. Cause like, even if I don’t do anything to anybody, I feel guilty that I had that much anger just well up, you know? So it’s like, yeah, that makes sense that it served you at that time and that you’re like Chris, you were saying earlier, you’re ready to move on. Now it’s like,
Chris (38:55)
Yeah.
you
The ShortMerc (39:14)
you just have to super deal with it. ⁓
Chris (39:16)
Well, yeah,
Ashley Stolitza (39:17)
you
Chris (39:18)
yeah. Like for me, it was about kindness, you know, like being kind and how, ⁓ just even in the past couple of years, I’m realizing that I’m not, I’m not a kind person. I, I, I am. So like my intentions and my morality are in the right place, but the way I go about kindness is not the right kind of kindness. It’s like.
The ShortMerc (39:32)
Yeah
Chris (39:45)
My kind of kindness for a really long time was like, make everyone feel good. Like don’t say anything bad or like ⁓ put others before yourself. So like now I’m trying to look at it and be like, okay, shit, kindness is me first. ⁓ Tell people hard truths and just be supportive. So it’s a tough thing, especially the hard truths part is.
The ShortMerc (40:11)
Yeah.
Chris (40:15)
really tough thing for me to do even though I know it’s the kinder thing and that’s like my ultimate goal so I have no idea how I decided to talk about that.
The ShortMerc (40:25)
Yeah, it’s.
I mean, it’s… it’s all good. It’s kind of like conditioning too, like you were taught… That’s the one thing that when you say kind and the way they were describing it, I was thinking, yeah, the next thing you’re going to talk about is probably being gentle, kind and gentle, kind and gentle, kind, gentle. Is that’s you fucking hear? Like, people don’t think I’m a kind person at all, which…
Chris (40:42)
Yeah. Yeah.
The ShortMerc (40:50)
that’s totally fine, but I love being kind to people. And I know that I have to take care of the inside of, you know, what’s going on in my house and with myself first before I can be, but I love being kind to people. And the hard truths thing that’s and I think Ashley might’ve been ⁓ taking out pups, but we were talking about like the hardest part is that I know that some parts of my trauma have granted me the privilege of I don’t give a shit what you think.
Chris (41:18)
Thank
Ashley Stolitza (41:18)
Mm-hmm.
The ShortMerc (41:18)
Like,
if I love you, I’m gonna tell you exactly what’s up. And if I don’t know you and you ask me, I’m gonna tell you the fucking truth. Because you’re asking me for a reason and if that pisses you off, I’m sorry. But, and also, like I’m not just gonna blow smoke up your ass just to watch you fly high and then land on what? Nothing. Like that’s just not okay in my book. Bye.
Chris (41:30)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (41:30)
Yeah.
Chris (41:40)
Unless you don’t
listen to her.
The ShortMerc (41:42)
Yeah, well then if you do, I mean, I’ll put
you back together, but you’re going to have to hear me talk at you the entire fucking time. And typically that’s about 10 times longer than just fucking listening. It’s the Capricorn advantage.
Chris (41:59)
True. That’s true.
Ashley Stolitza (41:59)
Can’t get rid of that. Nope.
The ShortMerc (42:01)
Nah,
But yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (42:07)
Yeah.
Chris (42:07)
was
The ShortMerc (42:07)
we’re cell phone-ing again.
Chris (42:07)
thinking of something about detachment. I don’t remember. I don’t know. There’s something about detachment I was thinking of. I detached from my thoughts of detachment.
The ShortMerc (42:10)
We all just, our heads just popped to the side, we all just end up cell phone staring. It just attached. It went on.
Ashley Stolitza (42:17)
shit. man. ⁓
The ShortMerc (42:21)
See?
Chris (42:24)
Whoa, I can start my own podcast now. ⁓
Ashley Stolitza (42:27)
There you go. That’s the requirement.
The ShortMerc (42:30)
Yeah, it’s wicked
easy. You have all the time in the world for it too.
Ashley Stolitza (42:31)
Yeah.
Chris (42:34)
I’ve been talking about my own podcast for
years and then all it took was my friend going, hey, I’m going to do a blog. I’m like, sweet. All I have to do is show up and talk. That’s my role. That was my role in a podcast.
Ashley Stolitza (42:41)
That’s your favorite thing.
The ShortMerc (42:41)
You
Yeah.
Yeah, see
that’s another level of kindness though because I was like I need to do this because I don’t really like talking very much I you know wouldn’t be able to tell but I don’t like talking very much and then I kept hearing like friends and Therapists and even fucking strangers were like you just you need to talk all the time like you need to do something with that You got a great voice for it, and I’m like Okay
Alright, that’s cool. Chris, you gonna start that podcast? No, fuck you, I’ll do it. I got it. Ashley, you’re be on it too. Why? Because you need to be. That’s… Listen, listen, what happened has happened and it could not have happened any other way. I use my force energy. I detach my bullishness from the kindness so that they don’t get too intermingled. The kindness uses the bulldozer.
Ashley Stolitza (43:16)
Yeah
God damn it.
Chris (43:20)
Right.
Ashley Stolitza (43:27)
It’s true.
Chris (43:27)
true.
Ashley Stolitza (43:40)
I like it. I like the metaphor.
The ShortMerc (43:41)
Yep. My kindness doesn’t bake
cookies at Bill Towses. Both are important.
Chris (43:46)
Hahaha. ⁓
Ashley Stolitza (43:49)
See, it’s true.
See, I feel like I could talk about kindness for, like that’s whole other, I think that’s the season two thing. I’m, that’s part of my pause. I keep pausing cause I’m like, okay, wait, no, but don’t go too deep, Ashley. Don’t go too deep.
Chris (43:52)
I mean.
That would be cool.
Right.
I know I keep being like,
what are we detachment?
Ashley Stolitza (44:09)
Hahaha
The ShortMerc (44:09)
That’s the thing like watching
watching how you guys are detaching from this question and like trying to reach for strings to talk about and I’m like did they not realize they’re detaching right now Like you’re just all it really is. It’s it’s a very simple concept. It might not be easy It was very simple like detachment is literally just not I’m just gonna not
Chris (44:14)
Ha ha ha!
Ashley Stolitza (44:14)
hahahaha
Yeah.
Chris (44:31)
not just kind of not
and you can not helpfully and you can not not helpfully actually that’s what i was going to bring up and i think this will be a fun topic to think about so ⁓ i’ve i’ve had an experience ⁓ i live i love video games i play a lot of video games i have played boat loads of video games to detach like that
The ShortMerc (44:39)
great.
Ashley Stolitza (44:39)
true.
Perfect.
Chris (45:00)
That was like a serious part of my life at some point, right? And I’ve also played video games to deal with detachment. So like it wasn’t necessarily the thing that I was doing. It was how I was approaching it and
how I was connecting it to the things that I was either avoiding or not avoiding. So I thought, think that’s a really interesting concept because even listening to Ashley, it doesn’t sound like there’s like a great how-to out there on like to deal with detachment even in like…
the therapist community, it doesn’t sound like any of us, and we think about this stuff all the time, it doesn’t sound like any of us have been like, I do it this way and it works. So I’m curious about that idea of like, taking parts of your life that you use to detach and restructuring it to kind of like, actually have the
Ashley Stolitza (45:50)
Mm-hmm.
The ShortMerc (45:50)
Yeah
Chris (46:06)
⁓ the process of dealing with that detachment through it.
Go.
The ShortMerc (46:16)
Hahaha!
It’s like when somebody draws you a maze sitting in a restaurant and they’re like, all right, figure it out before the breadsticks get here. And you’re like, this is just a bunch of lines on paper. Okay, all right, all right.
Chris (46:26)
Ha
Ashley Stolitza (46:26)
Yeah.
Chris (46:29)
I can start, I can start, probably. Okay.
So yeah, I’ll drink the water. So I guess I’ll start with a story and we’ll see where it goes. I started this game called Celeste, which is just a fantastic video game ⁓ at the ⁓ suggestion of my brother, cause it was a good game and I’m playing it and I’m playing it and I don’t know exactly where I was.
The ShortMerc (46:35)
drink that first.
Perfect.
Chris (46:59)
in my life so it’s going to be hard to kind of connect the pieces but throughout the game the game was very emotional so like you were you know jumping around dashing around avoiding spikes avoiding monsters all the all the good game stuff but the story behind it was this the main character eventually got to a point where she was talking to the like a boss and like
I think it was in the middle of the fight even. And the boss was like, why are you being this kind? Like you being, you trying to look out for, I forgot what the other character, it might’ve been her sister. You trying to like save your sister or look out for your mom or save your mom or whatever is actually like really, really selfish. And it is…
You’re not doing, you’re not like people pleasing or taking care of someone because they want it. You’re taking care of someone because it makes you feel better. And it was a pretty, pretty important thing for me to hear at the time because I, and I just, we just talked about this a little bit, but I have that people pleaser part of me that is very, very selfish in the way that it wants people to perceive me as a helper. So.
with a game that you could sit in front of and just go through and be like, I’m just playing a video game and I’m just collecting loot or whatever. And maybe it was because it was the specific game, but there was something about it that allowed me to kind of see a detachment I had already done that I didn’t even know was there and kind of process that through the playthrough of the game. also I think of that, it was years ago.
was like 10 years ago and I still think of it, you know, like on a monthly basis.
Ashley Stolitza (49:01)
really good. It makes me think of, since we’re on the vein of video games, Disney Dreamlight Valley, there’s one of the, spoiler alert, ⁓ one of the kind of themes when you beat the base game.
is you find there’s this big bad that’s throughout the whole game of who made all of these characters forget who they were, right? And there are the characters, a lot of characters we know. ⁓ And they forgot, you know, that they all lived in this world together and that they had a lot of fun and that their entire world was rooted in just connection and engaging with one another. And so there’s this big bad. And when you go and you meet the big bad, you find out
out
and they didn’t label it like this but basically again spoiler alert you you the big bad is your inner child so you’re it’s your character and the big bad is your ⁓ your inner child because your inner child was forgotten
And so your inner child made everybody else forget basically like, you got so caught up in being an adult and in being, you know, paying bills and doing all the boring adult things and ⁓ that you’re the one that forgot about these characters. You forgot about your inner child. So your inner child’s create like used magic to, you know, shut down the world basically. ⁓ And it made it literally made me cry. Even me thinking about it now makes me tear up because there is this
Chris (50:33)
It’s good.
Ashley Stolitza (50:34)
this scene where you almost have to heal your inner child. This is also, you know, some of the parts work, right? Like you have to heal your inner child or, or, and not immediately. It’s again, making a connection with this character and bringing them into the world and remembering what play looks like and what connection looks like. And it’s a, it’s a really well written game, but that, that it makes me right. We detached from at some point, a lot of us detached from our inner child.
Chris (50:58)
Hmm.
Ashley Stolitza (51:04)
detached from the things that we find fun and the things that make us us and It’s some people don’t get back to that and that’s really actually very sad. So remembering how to Connect with yourself again can be really important
Chris (51:08)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (51:25)
You guys have like these lovely games, Chris. It’s just like, you know, you’re being too kind, like stop being selfish. Ashley’s just like, don’t lose your inner child for those who still have one or had one. And then I’m over here like, God of War.
Ashley Stolitza (51:34)
Yeah.
Hahahaha
Chris (51:39)
No,
there’s a story behind that too though. Yeah.
The ShortMerc (51:41)
yeah yeah no definitely yeah
Ashley Stolitza (51:44)
and lots of detachment.
The ShortMerc (51:47)
no definitely at some point you realize that you’ve become the same thing that you have always hated in the name of the thing that you thought you wanted but then you lost everything and then you just want to get back into being peaceful because you know you knew how to be peaceful once
And then you do it, and then you get a little overprotective, and then the thing you- or person you’re overprotective over just decides, fuck it, I’m gonna go live my destiny. You’re like, god damn it. So then you have to learn to detach from not only I want peace, to I had peace, it didn’t really feel like peace, I want war, I kinda want war, what? Whoa. Both can exist. And do. Also, I’m gonna go fuck up some gods real quick, cause they should’ve known this. So hold on.
Ashley Stolitza (52:13)
I’m
Chris (52:24)
Hmm.
Yeah, you gotta mash
those buttons too.
The ShortMerc (52:32)
Yeah, of course, swivel those joysticks, guys. Swivel. Swivel.
Ashley Stolitza (52:37)
That’s
Chris (52:37)
And I
Ashley Stolitza (52:37)
right.
Chris (52:38)
think it shows me this theme the three of us are talking about of thought went away. Shoot, that was a really good one too. Where did it go? It’ll come back.
The ShortMerc (52:48)
It’s like a balloon grab. It’s
Ashley Stolitza (52:52)
It’ll come back. Well,
The ShortMerc (52:54)
plain hide and seek.
Ashley Stolitza (52:55)
I, it is. There you go.
Chris (52:57)
okay. I got it. Right. Okay.
So the three of us, what we described with our different experiences with different games is that we were, we were paying attention to the game and ourselves. We were like our relationship between us and what we were doing. think that feels like the piece that sometimes gets detached when
you don’t think about your relationship between yourself and the experience or other people around you, that’s where I think we can’t learn from what we’re experiencing and apply it to the things that we’ve previously detached. So that’s my answer. Nailed it.
Ashley Stolitza (53:45)
Well done. ⁓
The ShortMerc (53:46)
⁓
I dig. I dig. I dig. Yeah, it’s like… It’s kinda… Yeah, it kinda… We were talking at the same time, superwins!
Chris (53:51)
You know what mean? Not like, it’s like that awareness kind of.
Ashley Stolitza (53:56)
⁓
Chris (53:59)
And… go!
The ShortMerc (54:03)
they have to be words? It’s just like, what’s that thing that they do on the floor? filibuster? What don’t they they just talk? Yeah, and they just talk and talk and yeah, whatever. But time, time is just start quoting Queen. But it reminds me of rage. Like when people go, so you’re angry and then rage is the same thing. I’m like, no, my rage is
Ashley Stolitza (54:05)
No.
Chris (54:05)
No.
No.
on the what?
Ashley Stolitza (54:12)
yeah, a filibuster.
Chris (54:13)
I reclaimed my
time.
Ashley Stolitza (54:18)
think they have two words. Anyway.
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (54:31)
I had to detach my anger from my rage to realize that that thing is like a nuclear energy. it’s dangerous when you don’t respect what it is, but it can power cities or it can blow them to pieces. So I kind of I’m in the sense of like I’m going to detach from it being the thing that blows everything to pieces to powering cities. And we can still have a defense system. It’s just it’s a defense system. Like I’m not trying to take over the fucking world here.
Chris (54:49)
Mmm.
The ShortMerc (54:57)
You know, that’s kind of what that reminds me of. And then the anger just kind of goes back and you go back into your closet and you think about what you fucking did.
Chris (55:08)
Well, it sounds like your relationship
to anger is different. Like, it’s almost like the same energy, but because of the way you label it in a certain direction, your relationship with it is better.
The ShortMerc (55:13)
yeah.
Yeah, it doesn’t run things anymore. Like I used to give it the keys and a bottle of Jim Beam and go, okay, here you go. Good luck. Now it’s just like I’m getting the fucking car seat. You fucking toddler. And stop screaming at me. Read a damn book.
Chris (55:23)
Hmm.
Yeah.
What?
Ashley Stolitza (55:35)
you
The ShortMerc (55:38)
Yeah.
Chris (55:39)
Yeah, I like that. So like you’re in partnership with each other.
The ShortMerc (55:43)
Yeah, synergy man. That’s the one thing I’ve learned works the best is to find a good synergy. It’s the most sustainable thing. Sure, maybe it’ll run out at some point. You got to replace parts, but you typically know what parts to replace once it starts going on. And then detaching is a lot easier so you can take care of yourself so you can take care of the connecting parts like your family or your friends or your dogs or your house or your passion projects.
Chris (55:50)
Hmm.
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (56:11)
et cetera, cetera.
Chris (56:13)
Ashley, I’m curious what your thoughts are about like the idea behind…
taking something that you use as a coping mechanism and changing your relationship with that specific thing because you’re already doing it. And if that’s something that is a healthy thing.
Ashley Stolitza (56:36)
I, yeah, it can be just like anything else. I think about just as an example, right, the person who is, ⁓ you know, sober, who
⁓ A lot of people who are sober end up drinking a lot of like Diet Coke and Coke and soda, you know, because there’s a caffeine, there’s a lot of biological components to it. And that…
I guess I’m going towards harm reduction, right? That’s harm reduction. Even though soda for the general population, there’s this whole, it’s really bad for you. well, in moderation, just like everything else, it’s fine, right? So I think if you’re going to, if you already drink diet coke and you just got sober, and so you add an extra diet coke in your day, because that is the thing that helps you throughout the day.
Is that bad? No. ⁓ Could it lead to more health issues? Maybe. I don’t know. Are you diabetic? Well, diet coke is… Anyway. you know, you have to take, think, the whole… It’s such a social work answer. We have to take the whole picture ⁓ into account. Or people that, you know, use exercise as a coping skill. Exercise can be really healthy.
Chris (57:53)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (58:02)
And then it falls into unhealthy territory when you’re hurting your body. It can actually become a form of self harm because if you’re running on, if you’ve been running all, you you went to the gym in the morning, the afternoon, the evening, and you’re hurt and you continue to exercise because there’s, that’s your coping skill. And so that’s what you know to do when you’re stressed, but you’re hurt. Now you’re hurting yourself. Now it’s unhealthy. So I think it really, it’s, it’s that moderation idea and how.
Chris (58:12)
Hmm.
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (58:32)
you’re using it to cope and how it affects yourself and the people around you.
Chris (58:38)
So from what I’m hearing is that you can be on this side of the seesaw and then look for the middle and then end up on the other side of the seesaw. Sweet. That’s great.
Ashley Stolitza (58:49)
Exactly, yes. And it’s easy to do
and it’s easy to forget. You know, it’s easy to just suddenly end up, you’re like, how did I get over here? I was trying to get to the middle of the seesaw. ⁓ And sometimes it takes external folks to point it out because it is such a, well, this is my coping skill. This works for me, right? And yeah, until it doesn’t, if it doesn’t serve you in the same way, if it’s harming you, then it’s not a good coping skill.
Chris (58:59)
Yeah.
Jesus, what a weird subject, Jess. What a weird subject. Like, if you think about it, like a lot of these subjects that you look at, there’s a lot of information and like even like education around them. But I’ve been exposed to a wild amount of self-help kind of mental health sort of stuff. And this is still a really bizarre.
The ShortMerc (59:22)
Ha
Chris (59:46)
thing to think about. like, just as you were finishing talking, Ashley, was like, ⁓ no, like education doesn’t handle us. And then my kids are probably detached from stuff. I, am I teaching them the right way? Because you never really think about what you might not want to be feeling or experiencing and how you are coping with that. It’s a really, it feels like a really complex sort of thing.
Ashley Stolitza (59:57)
and
It is.
The ShortMerc (1:00:14)
and
go ahead.
Chris (1:00:17)
What?
Ashley Stolitza (1:00:17)
No, I feel like you had a point. A good one.
The ShortMerc (1:00:20)
I was just going
to say it can be, but it’s also pretty simple, especially when you accept…
you’re designed to explore these things. So explore them and just keep in the back of your head that detachment is what you’re looking for. But like, it’s kind of like going rock out again. I don’t go out there going, all right, I’m going to find a big massive crystal. Like I might just find a piece of calcite that looks like a face and go, that’s cool. But like my goal is find rocks. I have completed my goal. Your goal is look at detachment, every detachment and then
really observe, like detach yourself and observe, I feel is the thing. And it’s not an easy task, but once you kind of boil it down, I feel like it becomes like a simple syrup. Like it’s simple. You want sweet? It’s sweet.
Chris (1:01:02)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (1:01:08)
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, and I think of I think of the other direction too. And I think we’ve kind of gone back and forth on the seesaw. ⁓ But there are a lot of people who are myself included who are very detached from their body. Right. And so there’s also yet do some introspection and figure out
The ShortMerc (1:01:12)
Yeah.
Chris (1:01:29)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (1:01:36)
how to kind of connect again with your body if you’re detached from it in general. There are people that are detached from their emotions. ⁓ You know, I think, and so, yeah, the introspection work is really important to be able to figure out what are you detached from and what are you too attached to? And then I think you can start the work of how do I, you know, how do I actually…
Chris (1:01:56)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (1:02:04)
fine balance because we reattach, detach, whatever. ⁓ But you have to do the investigation work first.
The ShortMerc (1:02:14)
when you realize you aren’t, so you said something too about like detach from your body, detach from your emotions, you got me thinking like that’s what I say all the time, how you’re not your body. And so you will detach because you are not that thing. Anything I feel that you can put a possessive to, you are not that thing. Like you are my friends. I am not Chris and Ashley. You know, like yeah, that’s my body.
Chris (1:02:25)
All right, here we go.
The ShortMerc (1:02:41)
But the hard work comes in too when you’re learning to look at it because you’ve detached and figuring out which part of yourself has detached from it. You know, it’s just like, why can’t I eat this food right now? Well, it’s it might be a trauma thing. It could be a medical thing. It could be this whole other thing my body is trying to tell me of like, no, it’s not. You can’t eat it. You just need to slow the fuck down. It’s it’s a whole different set of working. But then you enter into the level of paradox and dichotomy where you have to remain a certain
level of detachment but be attached enough to know. That’s why I like the Megazord and Voltron because it’s like they’re all different parts, a bunch of mini lionbots. But then they make one big lionbot.
Chris (1:03:20)
Yeah.
So cool.
The ShortMerc (1:03:27)
Yeah, so it’s kind of the same thing. Like they’re not, they are not their swords and stuff like, but they are very much so attached to them. Like they understand how they work. They understand the mechanisms behind them, but they stayed attached enough to know when to fix them and attached enough to know how to utilize them.
Chris (1:03:42)
Hmm.
Ashley Stolitza (1:03:46)
Yeah, and like I know for me the detachment from the body is, know, sometimes my therapist will say, where do you feel that in your body? And I’m like, I don’t know. I don’t.
I can’t answer that question because I don’t. so it’s another level of detachment that I don’t have the connection with the machine to be able to figure out where the problem is so that I can fix it. And that’s where that investigation comes from is where’s the disconnect?
The ShortMerc (1:04:02)
you
Yeah, then you just start moving. It’s like we were saying about your kids, Chris, to that point, too, actually. It’s like then you just have to start moving shit around and figuring out what doesn’t have the hold it’s supposed to have based off of what you know. Understand that you’re not going to know all of the things and know that if you hit that nerve and you let go and detach from something you’re supposed to, it could very well damage the shit out of you or your kids or whatever. But knowing that healing is also part of it, so that it’s like.
Chris (1:04:47)
right.
The ShortMerc (1:04:49)
Alright, well we’ll come back from this. We can come back from this. It won’t be the same, but it’s alright. Like it will be.
Chris (1:04:56)
I guess that’s just kind of part of what we signed up for as being human. Like we’re meant to do this. Like our minds are meant to detach from things and we’re meant to question whether or not that was something that we, how we want to live, you know, like if that’s the relationship we want to have with our body or with, with our partner or with our job. ⁓
Some people, a lot of people detach with jobs too. It’s like the workaholics sort of thing is like they’re escaping some other things that they don’t want to deal with and replacing it with, I’ll just get stuff done. And obviously that relationship doesn’t work either.
The ShortMerc (1:05:40)
Or it’s lack of understanding of what I work a whole like I love to work I like to work 24 7 but I was doing it for the wrong people Now I do it for myself and for people who actually need or value something so then it’s like I’m gonna do it anyway to your point from earlier I just need to learn to do it in a more healthy manner, which is now. Hey, man, you need something Let’s go paint a picture together Yeah
Chris (1:05:44)
Yeah, that’s the trouble way.
.
It reminds me of
this, way I kind of like to look at energy anyways, and like, think of, think of it as in making investments and like whether or not that investment is make giving you a positive return or is just draining your resources. So what you said was, love working.
the investment’s bad when I’m doing stupid stuff for other people and I get a return on my investment when I do amazing stuff for myself, which makes me like working more. So that’s the way I kind of have been thinking about this as we’ve been talking, like looking at the relationships you’re making with all the different things that you might be coping with and asking yourself, is this returning the energy that I’m putting into it at least?
if not feeding me more. ⁓ I like that as a picture of a signpost or a guide to determine whether not the things that you’re doing are draining you, or you’re using them to cope, or you’re using them actually in a healthy way. And it can vary. Like I said, I’ve used video games a ton to cope, and I’ve also used video games a ton to heal through stuff that I was working with.
So it’s just very interesting that you can almost assign the meaning if you’re doing it the right way.
Ashley Stolitza (1:07:31)
Yeah. yeah.
The ShortMerc (1:07:32)
You get so much freedom.
Chris (1:07:34)
No! Take it back! don’t want it.
Ashley Stolitza (1:07:36)
yeah.
The ShortMerc (1:07:38)
Yes. Absolutely not. Subjugation to stagnation is no way to live, my friend.
Chris (1:07:49)
my God. feel like I’ve, I’ve talked a ton and I, nothing has come out of my mouth. I’ve come to no conclusion.
Ashley Stolitza (1:07:49)
true.
Hahaha!
The ShortMerc (1:07:56)
Chris, we just call that like ice syndrome, calm down. ⁓
Ashley Stolitza (1:08:00)
wiker
syndrome
Chris (1:08:05)
I apologize.
The ShortMerc (1:08:05)
No, you brought it.
some pretty good points
though like you can tell that you’re processing and things like that that’s the thing like and I don’t know if you guys have had the time but Spence when we were chatting we were just saying he brought up the same thing I say to you guys all the time just fucking talk about it you know because we can all have our own perceptions of how other people are gonna perceive what we’re gonna say but we’re never gonna fucking know until we do it and like if we say something or do something this is not an excuse to be a dick I’m putting the disclaimer in the middle of it if you say or do something
Ashley Stolitza (1:08:08)
You did.
Chris (1:08:20)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (1:08:35)
Mm-hmm.
Chris (1:08:44)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (1:08:50)
I’m gonna that up worse, because I can’t. Because I mean, if that’s the case, I got a sledgehammer with the name on it.
Chris (1:08:52)
Hopefully.
I mean, you know, I that’s
Ashley Stolitza (1:08:56)
Yeah.
Chris (1:09:02)
a new topic and it’s a topic about trolling and healthy trolling and unhealthy trolling.
The ShortMerc (1:09:06)
you guys.
Troll the people who need to be trolled, don’t troll the people who are just processing life together.
Chris (1:09:14)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (1:09:15)
Mm-hmm.
The ShortMerc (1:09:16)
Like
we all have to process this shit and we’re all gonna do it differently. It’s like ⁓ Intel versus AMD people, like calm down, because then we’re gonna run into a whole bunch of other shit. Like then we run into operating system people, because then they’re like, you can run Linux and blah, blah, blah. It’s like, yeah, I get it, calm down. Linux is superior system, we all know that. I did.
Ashley Stolitza (1:09:35)
He just went full nerd.
The ShortMerc (1:09:38)
But like at the same time, I don’t know. I feel like these are good conversations to have. Like you brought up topics and ideas and things that were in your fucking brain and you were like, I want to talk about this because this is my understanding. And look at like you’ve got classically trained and also life experience. Ashley, who’s got this whole this is how it is in clinical settings and this is how it is in my life. And then you’ve got.
Chris (1:09:43)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (1:10:05)
psycho space hard knocks over here who’s just I have lived many life so that I it’s great because then we can process together and that’s like these convert and it’s it’s also a kind of ⁓ a detachment from your ego to have these conversations because one thing that comes up is when people go well I don’t want people to think I’m an idiot who fucking cares yeah
Chris (1:10:15)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (1:10:30)
I care, I care a lot. No, I mean, yes, I do.
But also, I agree with you.
Chris (1:10:36)
And on the same kind of like wavelength, I was thinking of it in a way where like, I was actually nervous about doing a podcast because of how egoic I can usually be in like how smart I think I am. ⁓ and I really enjoy that the direction that this is going is, is all of us being like, you know, I’ve had this thought, what do you think about it? And it’s not, it’s not really ever been about.
The ShortMerc (1:10:36)
Right.
Ashley Stolitza (1:10:59)
Mm-hmm.
The ShortMerc (1:11:00)
Mm-hmm.
Chris (1:11:03)
⁓ Well, this is how you should do things. I think it’s been more about like, well, what if this is the thing that helps? And I really appreciate that about what we’re doing because I was actually pretty nervous about trying to be that, you know, the guru kind of egoic.
figure which I have had a tendency to want in the past. So I really appreciate that we have an open like no one knows what the hell is going on for that.
Ashley Stolitza (1:11:32)
Yes.
The ShortMerc (1:11:35)
That’s just fucking
important like it’s these are those things where you just wake up at two o’clock in the morning and go hold on a minute you mean to tell me that an entanglement theory if I have a certain burrito here now and that other burrito technically exists just on a different frequency there I could have two burritos bitch what like it’s like great
Chris (1:11:54)
I could be stealing both those burritos.
Ashley Stolitza (1:11:57)
Mm-hmm.
The ShortMerc (1:11:58)
And
then it’s like, what if we have these conversations and don’t label something crazy on them? It’s just like, man, you must be high out of your fucking mind. Like, it’s like, no, I was just thinking about burritos and then entanglement theory happened. It’s like, no, I was just thinking about detachment, like how that doesn’t really carry a lot of weight. Like most of my conversations are the same weight. I live in the middle. So it’s like, when I talk about detachment, I’m like, no, I want to talk. I detach often, like not only just
association but like I just nah hold on fuck it I need a minute give me a second like and it it took a lot to get here you both have seen me in not great spaces actually probably the most out of anyone I know
Ashley Stolitza (1:12:34)
Yeah.
Chris (1:12:36)
That’s a good point.
Ashley Stolitza (1:12:43)
haha
The ShortMerc (1:12:45)
So like, there are times when it’s like I had to get to the point where I didn’t see detachment as a problem. I saw it as an entropic byproduct of an attempt to heal. And then I was like, shit, but I do that naturally. This is really fucking cool. Like the trees are gonna shed fruit anyway. Might as well just know when they’re ripe and take them so that the burden doesn’t fall on the damn tree.
Chris (1:13:08)
It reminds me of that time we were at work and I was being extra stupid about something. I probably just tipped you over the edge or someone did and at the end of the day you just looked at me with your eyes like really wide and you just said, run. I was like, See you later. I was like, is she gonna follow me home?
Ashley Stolitza (1:13:13)
haha
Wow.
Chris (1:13:35)
Yeah, it was intense. But I feel like that was her detaching a little bit to let me know that she was about to hurt me.
The ShortMerc (1:13:44)
Yeah, it’s… you
know what’s funny about that? I have no recollection of that. What?!
Chris (1:13:48)
I believe it.
I believe it. I got to halfway to my car, was like, what the fuck am I running from? Like that bitch is scary.
The ShortMerc (1:13:56)
I don’t know.
Ashley Stolitza (1:13:59)
No, who knows?
The ShortMerc (1:14:01)
Somebody thought it was important that you get the lesson. You get the warning to run. Yeah.
Chris (1:14:04)
Yep. yeah, that was before I knew about the the DIV, think.
okay.
The ShortMerc (1:14:10)
Dude, that was
before I even accepted the DA to do so somebody inside was like fucking run run She’s gonna go nuclear on everybody fucking leave
Chris (1:14:16)
The kind one was like, you should fucking go.
Yes, that’s what I was like, man, I know she doesn’t like him and him and I know she kind of likes me, so I’m going to leave.
And then I came back the next day, was like, is everything good? Yeah, nothing happened. I got home really quick.
The ShortMerc (1:14:35)
Yeah.
Ashley Stolitza (1:14:38)
Looking for carnage.
The ShortMerc (1:14:42)
like nothing happened like hey man
Ashley Stolitza (1:14:44)
I’m
The ShortMerc (1:14:47)
the one day your wife is just like what the fuck I just I just felt like we needed to come home and here’s a bag of dead bolts just changing all the locks now
Chris (1:14:50)
We’d lock the doors.
Ashley Stolitza (1:14:59)
Just in case,
you know.
Chris (1:15:01)
You
The ShortMerc (1:15:03)
man, yeah, no, that definitely detaches, again, detachment. It’s been a good thing for me. It’s been a big healer for me. So like when I hear people speaking, I also have repurposed some of this PTSD hypervigilance to go, I hear the pattern of what you’re talking about and it sounds like this. So this is what you’re talking about. Am I right or wrong? Like you can tell me yes or no, or kind of run the scale or whatever. Then we’ll chat about it, because to me, when it doesn’t look so heavy or doesn’t feel so heavy, I’m just like.
Chris (1:15:08)
Yeah.
The ShortMerc (1:15:33)
Why aren’t we talking about it guys? It’s not that bad. And it’s like, yeah, but Clark Kent put down the barnhouse. Like not all of us can pick up tractors, dude, relax. It’s like, fuck, I’m sorry. My bad, my bad. But then we chat about it and then it’s just like, yeah, but I can’t be around shiny green rocks. So we all have our thing.
Ashley Stolitza (1:15:41)
Yep.
Chris (1:15:53)
the downside.
The ShortMerc (1:15:55)
But it’s that we all have our thing and we’re sharing this whole spot. And I love that, man. I love that you’re getting something out of this, because I love that people are synergizing and starting to realize it doesn’t have to be a competition. We can just work together. We can. Yeah, man.
Ashley Stolitza (1:16:10)
Yeah, I love curiosity.
Chris (1:16:18)
season two.
The ShortMerc (1:16:18)
That’s
gonna be a fun one. It’s either later season one or somewhere in season two.
Ashley Stolitza (1:16:24)
I can talk about curiosity for like hours, so you gotta be careful.
Chris (1:16:28)
I wanna do that too.
The ShortMerc (1:16:30)
Well, then
this is what we’re gonna do. You folks go listen to your life and watch it and detach and do all the things and think about the way that you detach and how you can reattach and whatnot. And then we’re gonna go nerd out over curiosity real quick and figure out where it is in the scheme of things. then, yeah, see you next week talking about healing. Yeah, shit.
Chris (1:16:53)
Week O healing, we do that too.
Ashley Stolitza (1:16:53)
Yeah. Woohoo!
