S1 E12: Darkness

Spenceroni (00:00)
Taking constant inventory. Yeah, that has to be kinda tricky.

The ShortMerc (00:03)
Yeah, it’s at first it was really overwhelming and then eventually I just sat at it and I was like, Well this clearly isn’t going anywhere so I need to adjust my approach and figure it out. So now I I look like ⁓ a mix of an old tree a Goomba and some somebody’s like wise old Scottish dwarven grim

Spenceroni (00:12)
Yeah.

Ha ha.

You would

be a perfect like you run up as like on an NPC in a video game and you have little side quest for people. That’s what it sounds like to me.

The ShortMerc (00:32)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that’s kind of where I’ve been sitting here lately. ⁓ it was good though. I mean like I went through some shitty times. There there was some darkness on that side, but and ⁓ which is great ’cause that’s today’s episode on Lemon Steam. How are we? This is episode what? And I’m just now saying the name of the show. Welcome to season one. The entire thing is a blooper reel. but yeah, no, it’s

Spenceroni (00:43)
Mm.

Yeah.

Ha

Right.

The ShortMerc (01:01)
There were some really dark times and things like that where it was shit. Like it was absolute shit where I was thinking, I mean, I have a I that was when having a long life was like having a prison sentence of just everything is confusing, everything hurts, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m trying to know what’s going on, but the information just keeps changing repeatedly, which is also something I may or may not have projected onto my day to day nine to five jobs. But ⁓ that projection was actually somewhat helpful for me.

Spenceroni (01:12)
Mm.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (01:30)
‘Cause it showed me that I did not fit there. Not the self loathing I didn’t fit. It was like, no, that’s you guys are running on two different operating systems for two different machines, which you both are necessary, but not together. So but yeah, no then then came some understanding of what stillness actually meant. Like I got a chance to relax in the NYX, you know, the the darkness and instead of looking

Spenceroni (01:30)
Mm-hmm.

Right. Right. Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Tell me about that.

What do you mean like the stillness?

The ShortMerc (02:00)
It was ⁓ at some point I feel like and a lot of people I I feel or at least oddly hope I hope you didn’t go through it, but if you did go through it, I hope you got here. ⁓ Go to the place of like, alright, I can keep fighting this and it’s gonna keep getting stickier and stickier like bad tar everywhere. Or I can sit for a minute and accept that you know

It taking over and winning is a very real and probable possibility, but if I’m quiet enough, if I just give myself a chance to recoup even in this situation, I can see where there’s a little bit of I’m gonna say this and mark the date, there’s a little bit of hope. Like I can I can grab onto that and go, okay, cool, like the lums in Rayman.

Spenceroni (02:49)
Mm.

The ShortMerc (02:54)
I don’t know if anybody remembers Rayman. That was my jam back in the day. I love that game. Yeah, but it was like grabbing onto a lum when you’re like all the way down, you’re like all your bars are down, your health bar is down, your stamina bar is down, you’re just like shit. ⁓ but that’s that’s what the stillness kind of felt like. It’s like there’s all this tar and stuff, and it’s I say tar because I don’t know if you’ve dealt with tar, but it’s worse than dealing with of that of oil. Like that shit doesn’t come off. It

Spenceroni (02:54)
Right. ⁓ yeah. ⁓ Rayman’s great.

Right.

Right. Sticks to

your skin.

The ShortMerc (03:22)
my god, it’s everywhere and it’s got this viscosity that just interweaves into like clothing fibers, hair, like the ridges on your fingers. Like it’s just gross. And you it takes forever to get off. ⁓ so like tar kind of feels like the right thing ’cause it’s a sticky dark ooze and if y if you fight it, you’re gonna go down in it a lot quicker, much like quicksand that thing we’re supposed to all be terrified of.

Spenceroni (03:41)
Mm-hmm. Right.

Yeah.

There was a d I’m gonna totally interrupt you with just such a weird thing. Do you remember that show Dinosaurs? Jim Henson’s Dinosaur? I think it was Jim Henson production. I think I remember there being it was like one of the last episodes of the show or something, and like w there’s a character who gets stuck in tar and like is like accepting their fate. That they’re like, Well, I’m gonna die and like that’s like part of the episode is just like

The ShortMerc (03:55)
Yeah, go for it.

Yes.

Haha!

Yeah.

Spenceroni (04:18)
confronting and being okay with like mortality and shit. And I remember being like a kid and it like kind of like freaking me out.

The ShortMerc (04:25)
Yeah.

Yeah. It’s one of those things though. I’m kinda glad they started putting it in shows like I wasn’t allowed to I had to sneak watch that show. I wasn’t supposed to watch it. So I learned to watch T V at very low levels and very weird sprints. ⁓ because I love that show. ⁓ not the Mama and Uhhuh. And the episode where Robbie gets turned into a werecaveman.

Spenceroni (04:34)
Mm.

Mm-hmm.

I don’t remember that one, but that’s hilarious.

The ShortMerc (04:52)
my god, that

just like cracked me up. And just like I remember eating it’s weird memory. I remember eating a lot of egg sandwiches and watching sure. It was like sandwich eggs. This seems right. Dinosaurs. Accepted. Yeah, exactly. No, but I’m glad they kind of did that to ⁓ to us as kids, ’cause it was like, Hey man, ⁓ this is a part of life.

Spenceroni (05:00)
Ha ha ⁓

Yeah, this is a vibe. I’m where I’m supposed to be right now.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (05:21)
And it was death I feel like death on this side of of the planet is very don’t talk about it. It’s super scary. But it’s it’s like everything is gonna go through this process and transition into wherever they go next. Whether you believe it’s just in the ground, kudos to you. If you go on to your next life, kudos to you. If you recycle and come back around to this one, I’m sorry. like

Spenceroni (05:28)
Right. Yes, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (05:50)
Whatever it is, it’s expected, but it’s it’s that thing I think we really should I don’t think you should make kids go to a funeral of their loved ones and watch them get buried under tons of cement and dirt. I think that’s not an okay thing to do to a child right off the rip.

Spenceroni (06:05)
Interesting. Yeah. I’m I’m interested to hear your perspective on that ’cause I

I that’s not my gut reaction. So I’m curious what like your case is there.

The ShortMerc (06:13)
Yeah, it’s a personal case. It’s a it’s a personal one, so I’ll share it in a bit. But I I do think that, you know, putting it in the form of entertainment, entertainment’s meant to help us digest things a little bit easier. So I think it’s great that they do things like that. And you introduce like so just so you know, life is great. It ends. So make the most of it. Don’t be a dick in, you know, the hurtful way, because as Chris has

Spenceroni (06:31)
Right. Hmm.

The ShortMerc (06:39)
brought up in the last episode there is a beneficial way to be a dick. So I have to deal with that paradox now, fucking asshole. But ⁓ but yeah like just just a heads up kids things die. And like if you watched a lot of anime growing up, I think there was a study that came out. I cannot cite it for shit. I glanced at it. I will openly admit it was one of those late Instagram scrolls where I started the search and then I was like, Good night. ⁓ power off. But

Spenceroni (06:45)
Ha ha ha ha

Mm-hmm.

Right.

The ShortMerc (07:09)
Allegedly, people who grew up with anime, ⁓ you know, ’cause they kill everybody all the time forever in anime and they make you go through hard, hard things for what seem like no reason are more regulated as adults. ‘Cause

Spenceroni (07:24)
No wonder I’m so unregulated. It’s ’cause I I didn’t watch a I was too busy watching like, you know, more ⁓ Western cartoons. I was like I wasn’t really into the anime as much as a kid. But that mix that with a a whole lot of Catholicism and a whole lot of it was just it it was a recipe for disaster.

The ShortMerc (07:26)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you you got

you got religion sniped early. They got you. They got you hard. ⁓

Spenceroni (07:49)
One of my favorite

⁓ I’ll just one other quick other quick thing. one of my favorite video games ever was ⁓ it still is, I still play it all the time, is a game called Pikmin. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Pikmin. ⁓ one of my f probably my favorite game ever. And, you know, in that death is an integral part of that game. And it’s kind of in a more nature setting where it’s more like, you know, creatures and animals more or less like killing each other.

The ShortMerc (08:00)
Yeah, yeah.

Spenceroni (08:16)
And I remember being and you kinda command a little troop of ⁓ for anyone who hasn’t played it, it’s like you command a little tr ⁓ army of essentially little ant guys, and you’re kind of trying to survive this forest and nature-like setting with all of these other creatures that are trying to attack you, basically.

⁓ but I remember playing it when I was really little at a friend’s house and when my troops would get eaten or killed, I got really upset. I got really, really upset. And I was just like I was like, ⁓ no like it was and like they have little ghosts that come out and it just like it deeply upset me. And I remember his older sister, we were it was with me, my buddy, and his older sister, and I was like, my god

my god, that’s so terrible. And she’s like, Well, you know, the the little power-ups in the game that, you know, help you respawn and rebuild your ar army, maybe like their souls go into those little power-ups and it’s like they they come back. And I’m like, okay. And that like comforted me like a little bit. And like now that I’m older, I’m like, wow, that was like a little microcasm of like someone creating a religion for me to help me cope with mortality.

The ShortMerc (09:22)
Yeah. Yeah. That’s

exactly what it is. ‘Cause I I mean it’s it’s probably one of the darker subjects people talk about, yeah, that everybody can relate to on some level is Am I gonna die? What’s gonna happen? What all of these things? And it’s like yeah, no, you you gotta physically die. Like it’s g it’s gotta happen. you’re alive. It’s the other side of the coin is you have to die. Luckily when you’re on your journey

Spenceroni (09:36)
Right.

Right.

The ShortMerc (09:47)
one of the things you’re supposed to be gaining is understanding so that when you get to the end of it, regardless of what you believe, you can understand that hey man. What happened happened and it was supposed to happen and it did. That’s I think that’s one of the the better parts of getting to that end road, like when things do start getting darker and acceptance starts creeping in. But I don’t mean the roll over and and show your stomach acceptance because you’re scared.

Spenceroni (09:59)
Right. Right.

Mm,

mm.

The ShortMerc (10:16)
I mean

the acceptance of I truly understand what’s going on and I feel like at peace with it. Like this is ’cause for me, for example, peace is balance. It’s not the ⁓ antithesis of conflict, it’s a balance of conflict. Like there’s conflict but I can also go somewhere at recharge and there’s tranquility, you know, kind of synergy and stuff like that. So it’s kind of the when you when you meet that peaceful arena of understanding, it’s like, all right, well

Spenceroni (10:19)
Right.

Yeah. Yep.

Love that.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (10:45)
To me

that’s a good death, especially in the day where we are not supposed to have knives and swords and shit and coming after people. You’re supposed to be playing nice. At least that we just make pretend nice. Guys, you can do it. I believe in you. But yeah, I I think that’s what having a good death is, is when you get to that understanding point after the darkness has shown you, like, yeah, it’s scary ’cause you’re used to relying on light, but there are other ways.

Spenceroni (10:52)
Mm.

Right. Too funny.

Right. Totally, yeah. I mean, I’m kinda curious, just again on that whole the whole topic of, you know, darkness and and all that kind of stuff, like

What do you how how would you define your relationship with darkness? What does that look like for you? Hmm.

The ShortMerc (11:31)
It was sketchy at first.

Get dramatic. I feel like I’m gonna do a Spider Man war, which I need to catch up on.

Spenceroni (11:40)
You should put on like Phantom of the Opera outfit. Spin around. Sketchy at first.

The ShortMerc (11:42)
my god. ⁓ How about

we go the detective more old school Dick Tracy route? We’ll go with a Sin City look for a minute.

Spenceroni (11:50)
I like

that.

The ShortMerc (11:56)
⁓ there was pretty sketchy at first, ’cause and society in a lot of places darkness ooh bad. ⁓ and just to draw really it’s not shallow, but it’s a more surface parallel of like being the dark skinned one and walking around, especially in the South. It was one of those ⁓ shit. Dark things are bad. But then I started realizing that well, I mean we

Spenceroni (12:12)
Yeah.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (12:25)
do a lot of our healing in the dark, we do a lot of our relaxing in the dark. We do a lot of our fixing in the dark. ⁓ you know. I know there are other activities people want to do in the dark. but

Spenceroni (12:37)
The

lights stay on during healing.

The ShortMerc (12:42)
Yeah.

It’s like an easy bake up of Trevor. but yeah, so I I started noticing that things were coming out in the dark that were spooky to look at, but honestly it wasn’t a problem. It it there’s a whole ecosystem that happened in the darkness that was kinda awesome. ⁓ you know. And then I I started paying attention to the things people were saying were dark and people were saying, you know, like I I have a

Spenceroni (12:48)
Yeah.

The ShortMerc (13:15)
incredibly dense fascination and even hobby or further depth ⁓ love of spiritual arts and things like that. And I was looking at some of the ones that people were saying were, you know, super bad and just don’t don’t go down this path. It’s the left handed path and blah blah blah. And I started looking into it and I’m like, I see the danger in it. I do. ⁓ but I also

see the education on that side of it. And while you need dude, you definitely need to talk about the dangers of it and t let people know that like, yeah, you’re gonna be walking around in darkness with limited light and resources and you need to either be able to replenish those resources or be okay with the fact that you’re gonna run out. ⁓ but I also think people should learn that it can be a teacher. Like that’s that’s what I did. I ’cause I I had some dark fucking days. I mean anytime I was

Spenceroni (14:06)
Yeah.

The ShortMerc (14:10)
on the surface it was chaos. and not the fun kind of chaos not the artistic chaos where you’re like, I don’t know what I want to paint slams things on a canvas, you know. Yeah, like it wasn’t like I don’t know what I’m writing or like, I don’t I don’t know what I’m doing today and ends up playing like sixteen rounds of whatever video game. ⁓ it was like

Spenceroni (14:19)
Right. Jackson Pollock. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (14:33)
Chaos, like leaves your mouth feeling bloodied and sore but also sour at the same time, can’t walk correctly, like brain’s a mess. Chaos. And I I started learning that alright. I I think I need to switch directions here. And at the time I didn’t know that the darkness was what I was spinning around in and being slapped by a bunch of light switches. It was like lightsabers were just happening. One of my and he’s just fucking excited as hell right now. ⁓

Spenceroni (14:36)
No.

Yeah.

Hmm.

The ShortMerc (15:02)
But it’s like lightsabers

Spenceroni (15:03)
Hmm.

The ShortMerc (15:04)
were just appearing out of nowhere and just slashing the shit out of me and I kept getting fucking burned. ⁓ and then it hit me, close your fucking eyes, idiot. Let the dark seep in for a minute and really listen to where the footsteps are coming from, listen to where the breeze is coming from. Just listen for a second and then instead of fighting yourself to move around, start moving.

Spenceroni (15:10)
Yeah.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (15:30)
in the opposite direction of where the sound is coming, but in a way that you know how to move. And eventually the way I knew how to move evolved as, you know, life got harder and I got more experienced and things happened. And then now I have a h I have a really healthy respect for darkness, I feel. now we’re now we’re cool as hell. Like I I regenerate in the dark in a lot of ways. I call myself a medical vampire. ⁓

Spenceroni (15:38)
Hm. Right.

That’s awesome.

Right.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (15:57)
Not for any kind of like social currency or anything, but because medically speaking, like between the anemia, the allergy to UV light, all that kind of stuff, it’s it stacks up and it just kind of makes ⁓ makes the dent situation more fun. I do have to I do have to do that, ’cause ⁓ just just a little ⁓ educational note for the listeners.

Spenceroni (16:13)
I’ve seen you eat I’ve seen you eat blood.

The ShortMerc (16:24)
There’s a difference between ferrous iron and hemi iron, and some of us can only tolerate hemi iron at certain levels. So in goes the bloody meat and the blood capsules.

Spenceroni (16:35)
Yeah. I’ve seen the capsule. Sorry if I just outed you.

The ShortMerc (16:40)
No, that’s totally fine.

If you if you’ve seen me out in public anywhere, ⁓ you either mistake me for a unibomber or just like some gothic punk weirdo.

Spenceroni (16:54)
Well.

The ShortMerc (16:54)
Like it’s

ninety degrees. Why are you wearing all of those layers? my god, and the sunglasses and then I have to wear gators over my face when it’s really bad ’cause I get burned across my my mouth and cheeks.

Spenceroni (17:04)
That is hilarious.

The ShortMerc (17:07)
Yeah. Yeah, it’s it’s it’s pretty great. It’s pretty great. So I’m gonna ⁓ make a sweatshirt that just says medical vampire couple of So I can just wear that out with a link. ⁓

Spenceroni (17:14)
Yeah, that that’ll that’ll definitely make

people, you know, look a little feel a little less weird about ⁓ about about your presence, Jess.

The ShortMerc (17:22)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah,

well I gotta wear gloves and everything. Like it’s two o’clock in the afternoon and like July, I’m just walking into somebody’s establishment, they’re like, my god, and I have to like take off all these layers and then it’s just little old me. Underneath everything. Sometimes I don’t even take all off. I just take down the hood and stuff, because I think at this point the body’s used to being hot all the time. So it’s just this is fine.

Spenceroni (17:41)
Right.

Mm. Mm.

That’s so funny. I love it. It’s a vibe.

The ShortMerc (17:51)
This is it’s whatever. But ⁓

it definitely is. It’s I I feel bad for anybody who’s ever had to share an office with me ’cause I’m also photosensitive, so everything is dark all the time.

Spenceroni (18:03)
Mm.

You know, when you and I worked in an office together though, it kinda worked out ’cause I like working in the dark too. You know, not because I’m a medical vampire, but just because I’m like a ⁓ a freaky little computer like cave dweller.

The ShortMerc (18:11)
Yeah.

Hey man, like

normal people get stimulation from the darkness too. I mean that’s when your cells replenish themselves and flip over and there’s been a fascination with darkness for as long as man and all other genders have been around. sorry guys, I’m I am analog millennial, doing the best I can here.

Spenceroni (18:33)
Yeah.

Hey

The ShortMerc (18:42)
⁓ but yeah, no, that’s it’s been a fascination and it’s been a place where people do heal and do get messages and people talk about their subconscious and everything. Let me tell you one thing, the subconscious does not want to be in the sunshine. There’s none desire to be up in the fucking sunshine. There’s zero zip nada. Don’t want it. Barely wanna be making sentences right now, but have to because for some reason the only thing that we’re able to process is a unicorn running around with a tiny strange Batman figure on its back and a bow and arrow. Like it’s weird.

Spenceroni (18:54)
Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (19:12)
But we’ll get the message. But it’s it thrives in darkness. It’s one of the things that just lives it. Like ideas tend to spark in darkness because there’s contrast. Like there’s darkness all around it and then the spark happens and then you notice and you’re like, shit You know? And you start to piece things together. Sound doesn’t need light. Not at all. Sound happens a lot of sound happens in darkness. It’s

Spenceroni (19:15)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it’s true.

The ShortMerc (19:40)
Just one of those things and you can get rejuvenated from it because there’s an absence of energy. Light while light is great, it’s good for seeing things. I know when I’m like hunting critters and shit, I wanna see what the fuck is going on. I do not want to lose, you know, the silver dollar size spider running around and the and anywhere. ⁓ I would like to murder it profusely. But the thing of it is is like

Spenceroni (19:53)
Yeah.

The ShortMerc (20:07)
Darkness is an absence of that particular energy, so it’s not really bombarding you, so you have time to like sit with yourself, to sit with your experiences, to sit with what or whomever might be in the darkness with you, and just kind of really understand what’s going on. And it it does give you license to work, ’cause there’s not as much happening. Like your your skin can see just as much as your eyes. It’s just a different type of seeing. ⁓ and sometimes it needs a break.

Spenceroni (20:33)
Mm-hmm.

Mm, mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (20:37)
You know,

that’s and that’s something I’ve learned being so photosensitive, ’cause even right now I have a I think that’s like a Dynewatt bulb. And it’s an LED and and even after all of this, like after having a conversation and like recording and everything, I’m gonna have to shut it off and sit in the dark ’cause my cells are like, Holy shit, too much light, too much light, too much light ’cause I’m usually in a hoodie and today I’m not. ‘Cause I I don’t wanna wear one. ⁓

Spenceroni (20:46)
Mm-hmm.

Right, right.

Right.

The ShortMerc (21:07)
But yeah, at the same time that I’m also gonna be able to get more work done because my cells are gonna be screaming, my god, we’re under fire. We’re under attack, which everybody’s cells do scream that at some level, but it’s just the tolerance that’s different. Like you can tolerate it a hell of a lot better than I can. But even still when the lights are off, then your brain is kinda like, Okay, I can go down to this low humming mode and I can

Spenceroni (21:14)
Right.

The ShortMerc (21:30)
focus on what’s right in front of me or I can focus on what’s been around me, you know, confusing me, or I can, you know, down throttle and just kind of for a second, like right after the really annoying credits in the movie, but before the trailers. Like, it’s kind of like, okay, cool. Now they’ve stopped bombarding me with like concession stand ads and shit. It’s like I can whew. ⁓

Spenceroni (21:44)
Right.

Mm.

What’s that

AMC ad that everyone’s memeing on? ‘Cause it’s like that actress who’s just like together have you seen this where they’re like she’s like does some like emotional impactful speeches. She’s like, the movies aren’t just a theater. It’s a place where we love, a place where we fear, a pla it’s like so melodramatic and it’s like about AMC theaters and everyone’s just been memeing on it lately. It’s mad funny.

The ShortMerc (22:19)
Whoa. No, I think I’m at that age where I’m like I’m they’re doing what on the who now? No, but that’s ⁓ yeah, it doesn’t surprise me. That doesn’t

Spenceroni (22:24)
Yeah.

Sorry for just

completely T-boning your train of thought with an AMC meme.

The ShortMerc (22:34)
No, it’s it’s it’s

it’s alright. It’s kinda like when this emi is going through the light and then like it gets T boned but the car that’s T boning it is like this thing that actually fits underneath it. It’s really just a scuff. Just kinda slides right out there and the truck driver’s like, What the shit? Yeah, it’s a lot like that. No, that’s no disrespect AMC, but you guys do gotta get melodramatic here and there.

Spenceroni (22:53)
Fuck just happen.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (23:03)
Showcase Cinema has you in there like rocking out. Like they have the ⁓ the and forgive me because I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s the analog kind of like kickstart bass drum machine. But it doesn’t have any of the pretty things. It’s just literally the analog machine itself. Yeah that But like it goes on and it makes makes this whole thing and like by the end you kinda jam into it if you’re a nerd like me. ⁓

Spenceroni (23:06)
Yeah, right.

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, ooh.

Right.

The ShortMerc (23:32)
Yeah, showcases where it’s at. Plus you just get to to like chill out and the way that they have their bass tuned in those fucking ⁓ it’s like a sound chamber. Yes Sorry. It’s ⁓ it’s my inner undergraduate film student coming out to play a little bit. ⁓ yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Spenceroni (23:34)
Hell yeah.

Right. Shout out showcase.

Love it. ⁓

I love that. ⁓ can I bring something up real quick? ⁓

I loved earlier you were you used the word contrast when talking to ⁓ you know, the topic of of darkness. And I feel like that that is such an important thing. I think it’s like so when you’re talking about light and dark, I’m I’m talking, I guess for me and my perspective, more from kind of like a mental and emotional place. Like I’ve I’ve always explored darkness.

with contrast, ⁓ of light. And what I mean by that is like the earliest I can think of of like going back and me kind of exploring the the kind of more like darker parts of like my mind and my emotions were probably around the age of like eleven, twelve, ⁓ that that kind of area. And I’ve gone back and I’ve even seen old I used to doodle in my notebook all the time in school. I used to get in trouble constantly.

‘Cause I was always drawing in class. Like that that’s who I was. I wanted to be an animator for many, many years. And I still do animation re like as a hobby, but ⁓

The ShortMerc (25:00)
It’s pretty

awesome. And Spence, you have to draw on the pages that the teachers have already seen so that they already sign off on it. Then you go back and when they go, What are you doing? you go, I’m making more notes so I can get it better.

Spenceroni (25:05)
Yeah.

I missed I missed that one. Yeah. I was I was always just doing and I would also get in trouble because I would draw pictures of my t I would draw caricatures of my teachers. Actually I had one really cool teacher who I remember he came up and he like was standing behind me and I didn’t see him and he was looking down at my paper and I was drawing a a caricature of him and then I like looked up and I was like, ⁓ shit and then he just was like that’s pretty good and then kept walking and I was like fuck yeah dude like

The ShortMerc (25:21)
It’s art. Get over it.

That’s amazing.

Spenceroni (25:41)
He’s the man. ⁓

The ShortMerc (25:42)
It’s I love teachers like that.

Spenceroni (25:44)
right. ⁓ but looking back at those drawings, like definitely, you know, that’s around the age for me when I was really I was aw like when I was a kid, I was kind of aware of, you know, darker topics and like kind of how dark the world can get. I had definitely, you know, seen both through media and in real life, ⁓ kind of weird ⁓ not me maybe not weird, but you know, bizarre and dark things and

I think around that age is when it was really starting to ⁓ like bubble up inside of me. ⁓ and tr and I was trying to kind of cope with those feelings. I think it was really, really difficult for me. And the way that it would come out was in my drawings. And I the thing that I would do is I would take like very and it wasn’t like an intentional thing, I would take very beloved childhood characters that I love to draw, and I would

draw them in really kind of fucked up and weird scenarios. ⁓ so I would kind of take, you know, well known IPs that I love, S SpongeBob, Mario. You could even take like Mickey Mouse. And, you know, I I won’t n name exact things, but I would draw them ⁓ kind of in undesirable situations, I guess maybe at times. Like and like for example, like I would

This is a little this is a little dark, so I I I apologize. But like I have this one memory of like drawing like this very as hyper realistic as I can make it, like Mickey Mouse just like overdosing on heroin. Like you know what I mean? Like ’cause it was like that was a new thing that I was like and I was like, that is so sad. And like I had a hard time, like and I was just like so the i I ex sorry. So what I’m trying to say is that I would explore these topics

The ShortMerc (27:11)
Uhologized.

Don’t apologize.

Spenceroni (27:36)
through contrast with like light, like these things that I as typically associated with more happy go lucky energy. I mashed them together and that’s how I was able to kind of like ex begin exploring those feelings. ⁓ and naturally, you know, I would sometimes get in trouble for drawing these things in school.

The ShortMerc (27:54)
Yeah, well yeah. It’s

just you know, kids shouldn’t be drawing these things. You you’re not supposed to know this, but then you get the flip side of the kid who’s seen somebody with a needle in their arm who doesn’t draw them and then they grow up all kinds of like I can’t talk about she should be quiet. Like you put it in a box and don’t talk about it. No, I think I think the I don’t even remember the question, but it just sparked my brain to go and if you remember it, please remind me. But But Okay. Okay, cool.

Spenceroni (27:57)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Right.

Yeah. I think we’re just talking about contrast.

The ShortMerc (28:23)
That brings back but I think that that’s an interesting point to like how we were talking about earlier, you know, more cartoons in the West when you’re younger, how it’s vastly different. Like, yeah, you you took two things that were seemingly polar opposites, very

different ideals and you’d been inundated with the happy and then you’ve just seen like the meteor of just all of this shit come crashing down. And in your brain at that moment, your brain was like, need to figure this out so I’m gonna sketch it out in a way that I’m perceiving how this would look if my happy go lucky person was hit by this particular meteor of despair. Like what would this look like?

Spenceroni (28:48)
Right.

Yeah. Right.

The ShortMerc (29:03)
And then it’s you put it on paper and you’re like, I feel emotions. Do not like not what I want and put into the system memory that this is we don’t like this. If possible we are against this at all times. Yeah.

Spenceroni (29:13)
Right.

Yeah, well and truthfully too, sometimes it was funny. Like sometimes the

contrast like bred like humor to me. Like, ⁓ you know, maybe not as much as the Mickey Mouse one, but like but like the the you know, there’s so sometimes I would draw those things and seeing like things like beloved, you know, squeaky clean western characters in these situations is just kind of funny because, you know, comedy is kind of this push and pull emotionally, right? And so I think

The ShortMerc (29:24)
Yeah.

Spenceroni (29:47)
kind of exploring darkness through humor. ⁓ obviously there there is a ⁓ it starts to get into a gray area because when you start to explore darkness through humor, sometimes, you know, you can start hitting very ⁓ sensitive areas. You have to be very careful with how you do that. ⁓ as to not hurt or offend people. ⁓ it’s it’s a thing that you have to learn.

⁓ by doing it and sometimes you cross the line by unintentionally. ⁓ or sometimes like you try to see like where is the line and then you cross it and someone’s like that’s not cool. And then you’re like, okay, that’s where the line is. I now know where the line is. You know? and I think I think humor ⁓ is a great way to

The ShortMerc (30:31)
Yeah. ⁓ I have crossed that line many times.

Many times.

Spenceroni (30:43)
explore darkness. It’s definitely where I’ve done most I think humor and art is definitely where I’ve done most of my exploration of like my internal ⁓ relationship with darkness. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (30:57)
Yeah. I I was I was actually talking to Ashley about this, at some point and one day I’ll get everybody to do this at the same time. Minus John, obviously. ⁓ John is our imaginary chef. She’s real, I promise, but it doesn’t seem like it.

Spenceroni (31:07)
Mm.

Ha ha ha.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (31:16)
But no, I was talking to Ashley about that and comedy specifically and I was like, you know, I’m starting to understand why so many historically angry people end up being comedians and people go, you know, you’re making an ass of yourself, like you all these things and it’s like y you don’t understand what it takes to put the anger back in the pot ’cause you know, ⁓ one thing I I’d also talk to my therapist about because I try to have some accountability for my crazies, ⁓

is I I talked to my therapist about the different ways energy presents itself and and how having a rage core is not necessarily a bad thing. Like ha being submerged in darkness is not a bad thing if you know what you’re doing. Or if you’re with somebody who knows what they’re doing and you’re actively learning what to do in it.

Spenceroni (32:00)
Right.

The ShortMerc (32:05)
But I was talking to him about it and I’m like, having the the Rage Corps is not the bad part and he you know, we agreed it we got to that point where he could agree. ⁓ but the rage corps isn’t

a bad thing, but when anger taps into the rage core without having the proper, you know, material, the plup proper safety gloves, the proper procedures, not handling it correctly, it comes out malformed and and misaligned and not great at all. But then when the rage core is handled correctly and with the correct, you know, ⁓ dampening coils and and filters and things, it can come out as a s a power source instead of a weapon. Because really when you break down

Spenceroni (32:27)
Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (32:47)
weapons it’s it’s a an unbalanced power source that’s being kept apart and then that mechanism is designed to fail so that the bad reaction happens and it becomes a weapon. ⁓ like you you’re designing the failure of the we of of the reaction. ⁓

Spenceroni (32:58)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (33:06)
But then when you’re doing working with the Rage Corps when you can deal with it correctly, it can come out as things like like I’m an incredibly sarcastic person and and people have told me you’re fucking hilarious and I’m like, I don’t see it, but cool man. I’m like like I think Kevin Hart has a special laugh in my pain. ⁓ and I I believe it’s Kevin Hart. I’m like seventy five percent sure. ⁓ if it’s not, please correct me politely.

Spenceroni (33:25)
Mm.

Ha ha.

The ShortMerc (33:36)
⁓ but no, it’s like laugh at my pain because

It went through it. I got on the other side of it. There is another side to it. And it it there are really two avenues that energy is designed to go in. And one of those avenues is staring down the comical, which forces you to take a look at it, at what you’re actually doing, which is why just throwing things out there to be funny, air quotes, is not exploring darkness. It’s not exploring anything. It’s literally just to get a laugh and that ain’t cool, man. Genuine laughs hold and sustain you way more than the breathy get the fuck out of my f

Spenceroni (33:43)
Mm-hmm.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (34:12)
Like kind of stuff, you know. ⁓ But that energy slowly becomes comedy. It slowly becomes use this to kind of build bridges and power cities instead of destroying lives and

Spenceroni (34:13)
Right. Right.

The ShortMerc (34:28)
making things crumble. Like if it’s gotta crumble to be rebuilt, that’s one thing. But just to make it crumble to go, I can do that, who fucking cares? Like and and there is a responsibility to having that kind of a core. There’s a responsibility to being in that kind of darkness too. And I think everybody’s got a responsibility, but when you’re in the dirge and you have that kind of heft or that kind of force behind it that kind of heft, you you gotta learn how to deal with it. Which is why dwarves are awesome. But

Spenceroni (34:36)
Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

Well, so I love that. So like the something that I’ve said before that I realized like as I was maybe in my like mid twenties is I was like I could have been a really good bully. And not because

I’m intimidating it physically. If anybody n like has met me, I’m like a five-four, like little I’m a little dude, right? Like people could definitely, especially I was even shorter, like back in the day. So like definitely people could beat the crap out of me. But like the thing is that like I’ve always had pretty high I’ve been told that I have pretty high like EQ and like emotional intelligence. I’m pretty good at like

Being in a room with people and I like trying to make people feel like comfortable and safe. Like that’s something I I really strive to do. And I can I can pick up on small cues of like and my assumptions of how people are feeling, and I try to do my best to cater to that. But like the flip side of that is that like y if that is weaponized, if that EQ is like weaponized, like you can really I’ve certainly before said things to people when I’m

The ShortMerc (35:53)
You’re done.

Spenceroni (36:14)
in a rageful or angry state where like I can craft a sentence that will make someone cry. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing. So like going to that like ha like you’re saying the responsibility of having that kind of like dark part of you and keeping that regulated is is hard. I, you know, I grew up my parents, you know, very much drilled in me the importance of like being polite and being empathetic and being kind to people and like

Through, you know, ⁓ you know, both ⁓ a rel from a religious perspective, from a just like logistic society, why it’s better to be kind and empathetic. Like, from every possible angle, my parents always like was like, it’s important to be kind to people. And and they were always they themselves are always very kind people, but who also

totally have the capacity if they wanted to to really like fuck somebody up. That’s my perspective on my parents. And I I’ve always admired like the restraint that they’ve had to not and to choose the path of kindness, right? Like I really do truly admire that about my parents. And so like I’ve always felt though this like thing inside me where I’m just like damn it like if I really had wanted to like I I restrained myself but I f I feel and

The ShortMerc (37:18)
Yeah.

Spenceroni (37:39)
You know, I say bully as if it’s exclusive to like being a kid. Like I think even as an ad there’s an adult, there’s adult bullies too, right? So it’s like I could be I guess what I’m saying, like I could be an a huge asshole. Right.

The ShortMerc (37:51)
Yeah, you can be a shit person. Like you you hard court can be a shit person. Like,

absolutely. Like I remember ⁓ Ashley got me a cameo from Jesus, we joke about his name so much, I hope I don’t fuck this up. Stephen John Ward, who plays ⁓ Dracula Mihawk and Netflix’s live action one piece. but he one of the lines he said was don’t be a shit person.

Spenceroni (38:08)
Mm.

Okay.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (38:19)
And he has just such s sassy venom just dripping from Just every word. It just stuck to my brain like tar. But it’s it’s good tar, like he made a road in my brain, so now every time I wanna do something shitty with my rage core, I’m like, Don’t be a shit person. I’m like

Spenceroni (38:29)
Mm.

Right.

The ShortMerc (38:39)
The sassiest bitch dad in One Piece just told me not to be a shit person, so I have to I have to not be a shit person. But just so you know I wanna be. And I could be, but I won’t.

Spenceroni (38:43)
⁓ Right.

Right. Which

I mean I think there it’s like practicing that level of like restraint and stuff, you know, not it’s I it’s a it’s a skill. It’s a it’s a practice, it’s a yeah, I don’t know. I think there’s a lot of I have a lot of respect for people who

practice and showcase that kind of restraint. And however, you know, I also have a lot of respect for people who don’t though, too. I’m interested to hear this whole thing about like being you were saying earlier about the theory about like how it’s actually sometimes more productive to be an ass. ⁓ I’m very interested. I’ll have to listen to that episode ’cause I wanna know definitely more about that. And that’s your cue listener to go check out that episode as well. ⁓

The ShortMerc (39:22)
Yeah.

What it’s

called, none of us know because we’ve all given up on marketing. Every single one of us. We just gave up.

Spenceroni (39:34)
⁓ Right. I

think something though that I I’m now I’m just thinking about it that I would be interested to get your perspective on. I’ll I’ll share mine really quick and I want to know what yours is. With with having like a dark core, something though that I I even in recent years, and I’ve been like do I’ve been having this feeling, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job of like dismantling it and kind of like stomping it out. But sometimes I’ve

The ShortMerc (39:47)
Yeah.

Spenceroni (40:05)
struggled with I guess what I’ll just like refer to as like self-distain for like having that. Like and I’ve talked to a lot of people about it and like I’ve o I struggle with the idea of like you are not your thoughts. Like you are your thoughts, but you’re not your thoughts. Like it’s I’ve always been like, my God, I’m such a terrible person because I have like

very dark thoughts. That must mean I am awful. Like when I wouldn’t hold myself I wouldn’t hold anyone else to that same standard. but like for some reason because I can see it in such high resolution in my own brain, I’m like, god damn, I’m fucking evil.

The ShortMerc (40:51)
someone who has been accused of actually being evil. You are not. You are not evil at all. ⁓ no, and it’s like I’d I’d like the

You are your thoughts, but you’re not your thoughts. I think some of the confusions that happen there are also in the mechanism of like you exist in the same space as your thoughts from possibly the same material, but you aren’t them because I’m sorry, the random thoughts that pass my head about, hey, pink ice cream trucks are cool. Coming just out of nowhere does not I don’t care about pink or an ice cream truck. I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t care.

Spenceroni (41:24)
Hmm.

Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (41:31)
Like that’s that’s not me, that’s just a fleeting thought of like, what if this were possible? No, okay bye. We’ll go find out where we are possible, but you know, stuff like that. ⁓ but I’ve I’ve to that point I have been called evil, I’ve been called a bully, I’ve been like, You just your anger is so bad to the point of like, all right, let me break it down for you. Like I’m using my words, which means I’m not using my fists or back then my teeth.

Spenceroni (41:37)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (41:58)
or anything I could get a hold of. ⁓ I was a violent little fuck. And now I’m not. But ⁓ you know, there was there there

Spenceroni (42:00)
Right.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right.

The ShortMerc (42:08)
was a shame and a self-loathing around like why can’t I get my temper under control? And yeah, there’s a chemical component to it sometimes. Like for for the darkness side, and I’ll get to that one. There there’s no chemical component. I’m just a dark soul. ⁓ but for you know the anger side of it, like confusing the anger with the rage, I was like, no I there’s gotta be something wrong with me. Like there’s all this and turns out it was just the anger was acting as an outlet for the rage. Like there was nothing wrong with the rage core. It’s a important core. It’s it’s

Spenceroni (42:20)
Yeah, yeah.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (42:38)
part of the reason I like the whole forge terminology with ⁓ short work is because it’s heavy, it’s dense, it’s metal, it’s hot, it’s uncomfortable, and then really useful, really cool shit comes out of it. ⁓ if you learn how to temper it, if you learn how to work with it, if you learn how to move the forces correctly. And

Spenceroni (42:47)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (43:01)
At some point you have to I’m not even gonna say give yourself permission because it’s not a you have my permission to not give a shit. It’s more like a

Spenceroni (43:08)
Mm. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (43:11)
It’s like a you have you at some point have to be your own drill sergeant and go get the fuck up. This is what you were given, learn to use it and pull your head out of your ass. See and and there’s ⁓ that’s where like the the two wolves analogy kind of from like the one that you feed gets stronger. You know, that’s where the you have two sides to yourself, the one but at some point too you have to realize and I think we’re getting kind of into a w ⁓

Spenceroni (43:28)
⁓

The ShortMerc (43:37)
weird nod to Buddhism and Taoism somewhere in here. But you have to realize you still you need both sides. Like I still need my violent side. And what I do with it now is I turn it into trees and I make artwork and pour resin on everything and make crazy shit ’cause I bend metal to release my stress.

Spenceroni (43:40)
Mm. Uh-huh.

Right. Right.

Right.

What a what a beautiful arc in your life.

Like that is so that is so story esque.

The ShortMerc (44:02)
Yeah.

Yeah, it’s it’s pretty cool. It’s pretty nice and now I get to use it to hopefully help other people get here. But ⁓ you know, like I still and I still might need it because again and I don’t mean to go here ⁓ often, but it’s just it’s pertinent being black in America.

Spenceroni (44:10)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (44:22)
You know,

and I’m not saying that it’s just black people. There are many groups that are marginalized, like autistic folks are marginalized veterans are marginalized, j women in general are marginalized, you know, what indigenous folks are are thrown to the wayside, like white guys who are trying to understand and are actually good people good people are marginalized all over the place. but it’s not a hundred percent safe. And that’s it’s not that it’s okay that it’s not a hundred percent safe, but it’s okay to acknowledge that it’s not a hundred percent safe. Like

Spenceroni (44:31)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (44:52)
Like, you’re just prepping for it. But on the off chance that something does happen, that violence will come in handy.

Spenceroni (44:55)
Mm.

Sure.

The ShortMerc (45:01)
As long as I keep it maintained and I don’t overfeed it. I don’t overclock it. I don’t get it used to being out on the surface all the time. Like, you want to be on the surface, you go bed metal, you go make a tree. You go, you go make a treat right now. ⁓ Or you go do chores. Like when my neighbors piss me off, now I check the UV index if it’s not super high. I gear up and I go outside and I do chores to my smiling hammer playlist and come off my ledge instead of putting a hammer through a wall and then cut.

Spenceroni (45:13)
Right, right.

Right.

Totally. So you’re saying like, you know, it’s not a matter of repressing it or starving it. It’s a matter of learning how to work with it and and train it and and figure out other mechanisms ⁓ you know, to work with it rather than against it.

The ShortMerc (45:48)
Yeah. ‘Cause it’s it’s only a monster when you don’t understand it and you don’t tame it.

Spenceroni (45:53)
Mm.

my

spine I just got chills up my spine.

The ShortMerc (46:00)
What’s it feel

like? I haven’t felt my spine since two thousand five. ⁓

Spenceroni (46:05)
That’s ⁓ I love that. I think that’s like I think that’s like most things. That’s that was a beautiful sentence, Jess.

The ShortMerc (46:10)
Yeah. That’s and

Thank

you. Thank you, thank you. ⁓ I’m only gonna take some credit ’cause I just again I I’m a spiritual nerd. So I go through a lot of different practices and stuff and if a lot of people are like, you know, what do you practice? I’m an omnist for lack of a better term. Everybody’s right and everybody’s wrong. There’s an answer in everything. ⁓ but that’s the thing about

Spenceroni (46:21)
Mm.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (46:34)
hermetics and and Eastern philosophy and all of these things and and martial arts even is that you’re martial arts, a lot of them started off for just normal people who had an incredibly disheartening and and ⁓ dangerous and d fucked up circumstance happen to them. You know, and they had to go from living their normal lives of farming and trading and tilling and doing all of that to now I have to become a warrior in the spur of a moment and all I have is a hoe.

Spenceroni (47:04)
Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (47:04)
Shit. But

then you turn it into now we do chores with the same movements and the same maneuvers and we do the chores and our body is better for it and the chores get done and you know all of these things start happening and working together. Like there’s you have to understand it. You know, it’s not just put it in a closet and forget about it. Don’t do that. Don’t don’t do that.

Spenceroni (47:22)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And repression, I mean, you know, I feel like the I like to say it’s it’s very I’m d I’m I’m generalizing here, but like, you know, I’m I’m half Irish. ⁓ and I just feel like it is very it’s par for the course to for us Irish folk to just repress, just like it’s just

The ShortMerc (47:49)
That’s why get along. You’re Irish, I’m Jamaican, it’s a whole thing. We have history.

Spenceroni (47:55)
You

just push it down, you just kinda you kinda just squeeze it and hold it really tight. ⁓ and some and Right right. Drink yourself till you’re, you know, comatose so you’re that you’re not thinking about it anymore, right? ⁓ and that’s that’s a whole other thing too, is like you know, me self-medicating or or or, you know, using a vice to try to avoid those dark thoughts and feelings. That’s a whole other

The ShortMerc (48:01)
Put it in a box and pray about it.

Mm-hmm. Right.

Spenceroni (48:20)
you know, tangent. But the I feel like the problem with that ⁓ with the repression thing is like it over y over time there becomes a certain point where your body physically just like can’t anymore. And I’ve definitely like o in my mid-20s, like r I didn’t realize how much I was like repressing my like sadness, anger, and frustration. And then it was like exposure.

Exploding. And I was like, you know, not in a way that was like damaging to those around me or whatever, but like emotionally, I just felt I was like, all of a sudden I was like, what’s going on with me? Like the amount of like panic attacks I was having, the amount of just like rage I was having, like that was just seeping out of my skin, and like all these different things. The amount I was trying to cope with, like alcohol, and like all, and it was just like, what the fuck? And I and I like realized like

⁓ it’s because like all of these like dark and bad thoughts inside of me, I’ve just been condensing them into like a really dense little ball. And that ball has just been getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger over the years. And me, I was like, ⁓ I didn’t I when I was a young kid, I used to get the comment all the time, like, he’s so chill, he’s so good with the flow. And like which it was true.

But I realized it was because like all of my anxiety and fear and anger was being just like condensed. And like I I it was a defense mechanism to like I’m gonna outwardly be the as ⁓ I’m gonna o I’m gonna try to cause as little friction to everyone around me as possible. I’m going to try to be water and just because I don’t want

you know, conflict to arise and I don’t want to be a part of said conflict. And but what I was doing in turn was taking all the emotions and negativity and the darkness that I had and was forming it into a little ball. And I had no idea. And then I hit my mid twenties and it was like, What the hell’s going on here? ⁓ it’s it’s twenty five years of repressed dark anger and rage and anxiety. ⁓

And it just exploded. And now I have a much better relationship with it. ⁓ but it’s ⁓ sorry, that was just like I just well I just blacked out. What just happened?

The ShortMerc (50:48)
Mm-hmm.

You you

gave Rage a platform to have a conversation and it decided it was gonna take it. No, I mean that’s that’s what happens. I mean that’s it it’ll come out in ways you don’t want it to come out. And you know, even even if it’s coming out in like ⁓ anxiety, if it’s shutting down your you know

Spenceroni (51:00)
Yeah.

The ShortMerc (51:17)
organs or what have you, it does come down through your body one way or another, that kind of repression. ⁓ pardon me everybody, it’s still allergy season here, so there’s no s yeah yeah.

Spenceroni (51:21)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. ⁓ can I just throw one other thing in there really quick? Sorry.

I was just thinking about it too. The the weird part is though from my memory of it, no one ever like tried to make if that was totally self-imposed. Nobody ever was like, Dude, you gotta push that shit down. There was just something like in me that over time like just did the math of that and was like, that must be what I have to do.

The ShortMerc (51:53)
Yeah, well you probably saw it quite a bit, ⁓ and probably felt it because humans are very nonverbal creatures. ⁓ and you probably picked it up because your subconscious and unconscious minds, which they yes they are two different things, are on all the time. All the t it’s how like your heart is always beating and your lungs are always moving air. ‘Cause if they don’t you’re dead. Yeah. Like

Spenceroni (51:55)
Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (52:20)
That’s what’s happening on the inside all the time. And it makes sense. And I’m not diminishing it and just going, It’s just this. It’s just these are some of the raw data points that you can latch onto and if you decide to go down that route, go for it. ⁓ but even still, even when you’re told to push it down, because again, Irish and Jamaican were very close, ⁓ it was no, push that shit down and don’t ever bring it up again. Be quiet.

Spenceroni (52:27)
Sure.

Right.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Hmm. ⁓

The ShortMerc (52:46)
You know, this

it’s just part of life. Just don’t ever talk about it. Don’t ever talk about it. Don’t ever talk about it. And that’s just something that they also learned, like, don’t ever talk about it. You don’t talk about it. Like be quiet. ⁓ it’s does the same amount of shit to you. Like, I have chronic fatigue syndrome because my body is like, I can’t adrenaline anymore It tries and then when it does, it holds on to it for sometimes several months into over a year. but

Spenceroni (53:05)
No, uh-huh.

Mm. And is that like

a pattern like ’cause it’s like it learned to do it that way. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (53:16)
Yeah.

So once it gets heightened it does not it’s not easy to bring it back down. but it it’s from a bunch of repression and a bunch of learned patterns and even if, you know, I wasn’t fronting or I wasn’t in charge the entire time, ⁓ it the body learned, you know. And then you do start dealing with your own shit internally and that’s gotta come out one way or another.

Spenceroni (53:21)
Damn.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (53:39)
And it’s usually through your body. ⁓ so then it’s getting a double whammy of dealing with its shit and your shit. And then you’re both trying to figure out what the hell a thought is. So it’s everybody’s just in the dark swinging around, which is again why I say darkness isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it is a thing to move carefully in. Not overly cautious, but care like acknowledge the fact that yes, it is dark and I am moving in unfamiliar territory.

Spenceroni (53:40)
Mm-hmm. Right.

Mm-hmm.

Right. Right.

Right.

The ShortMerc (54:07)
⁓ that’s not to say there’s not a bunch of stuff to find, that there’s not a bunch of stuff to explore, not a bunch of stuff that you know, he can’t use as medicine. ⁓ but it’s dark. It’s it’s a dark force. And I do like what you that you put bad and dark together and hear me out. Pardon me. Ooh. I ate a salad yesterday and my little carnivore system is just like we’re not fully sure what to do with it.

Spenceroni (54:20)
Right. Right.

Hehehehe

What the hell? Yeah.

The ShortMerc (54:37)
And it had Caesar dressing on it with actual anchovies. So there was some kind of protein in it. Right? ⁓ that’s how we handle burps here. Go eat fiber, it’s good for you. ⁓

Spenceroni (54:43)
All right.

The ShortMerc (54:53)
But yeah, you you put them together and I think a lot of people do that. They take bad and they take dark and they put together in one cell and I don’t know what the fuck we’re expecting to happen. Those motherfuckers start talking. And bad is very persuasive because bad makes you feel good immediately but feel worse later, but th it’s like a bad drug.

It’s like I’m gonna overdose on bad, on carnage, on things that don’t have any actual structure and usefulness. It’s just wild, unsorted chaos that’s running around causing havoc to do nothing more than cause havoc. And it’s got a purpose. ‘Cause without it we wouldn’t really understand what good looks like in this existence. So we we need that there, but when dark is in there, dark is like, yeah, I guess that makes sense, sure. Use fine.

Spenceroni (55:34)
Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (55:43)
Yeah, no, you’re making some good points, Pat. No, I get it. I ⁓ how do I get you to stop talking? I give you whatever you want. Just shut the fuck up. You know? And then they bad is very short. ⁓

Spenceroni (55:49)
Right.

That is short sighted.

The ShortMerc (55:59)
But then, you know, you have those two in there talking to each other and then they keep talking and growing and growing and gr and as much as darkness wants to be like bad, go fuck yourself. It’s like, all right, well I mean, yeah, you are okay, fine, you are making good points. I’m not just trying to shut you up this time. Yeah, no, they definitely should you know what, you’re right. Maybe we should show them that they should do it a different way. And then at least the way that I’ve seen it, is bad starts manipulating darkness and darkness becomes this corrupted thing which then escapes and then

Spenceroni (56:07)
Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (56:29)
Big Blake’s it’s just bad.

Spenceroni (56:31)
Yeah. I like what you’re saying.

You’re you’re making me rethink a little bit my relationship with like or rather just like my perspective on on like the dark side of of things and like is my actual you know do I have like an ingrained perspective of darkness equals bad? Right? Those and those are two different things, right? And you’re you’re so right about that. ⁓ ’cause I think I think the dark parts of our mind too, like when you ⁓

The ShortMerc (56:51)
Yeah. Yeah.

Spenceroni (57:01)
Going kind of back to comedy, I think I love stand up comedy. Like some of the best stand-up comedy that like sticks with me goes to really dark places, but it’s not in a bad way. It isn’t it is then the darkness is tooled to then relate to you and make you feel safe and less weird about these dark places. ⁓ and that’s not bad. That’s good. You know, so it’s it’s good darkness.

The ShortMerc (57:26)
Yeah.

Spenceroni (57:29)
⁓ so I I think that that’s you that’s really interesting. I loved the way you put that of like they’re in a cell together and they start talking. I’m gonna have to I’m gonna just have to start really thinking about my perspective on darkness and its association with badness. Yeah, thank thanks, Jess. Same time next week.

The ShortMerc (57:48)
Hey, you’re welcome, man. Again. There there are benefits. Yes.

My god, I feel like Ashley would just erupt out of the screen from wherever she is and just

Spenceroni (58:00)
Big old punch.

The ShortMerc (58:03)
yeah, yeah. But I mean like this that’s kind of what these again, that’s chatting. Letting the two darknesses actually see each other for a change. ‘Cause and you know, I’ve had people go, Well, you must love dark because you know you’re allergic to the sun and all this pain and blah blah blah. One, pain does not equal agony. Pain is just pain. It’s calm down. You know, ⁓ and two, without the sun, my food can’t get food, so I can’t eat and I need to eat.

Spenceroni (58:09)
Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

Right.

The ShortMerc (58:32)
Like the sun’s got its th and then I see sometimes sunrises are great. Like four o’clock in the morning here in sunny Massachusetts in spring summer. the sunrise is great and the UV index is low, so it’s a nice time for me to go outside and actually enjoy it. And when I say low I mean it’s like point zero one.

Spenceroni (58:50)
Beautiful.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (58:54)
⁓ so there’s low risk for burn. So I can go enjoy it up until, you know, about six, seven o’clock and then I gotta get my ass inside or I fry like a fucking sliver of bacon. But you know, I

Spenceroni (58:57)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Ha ha ha.

The ShortMerc (59:08)
I don’t like contending with the sun, but I see its value and its need and that there are some people who do enjoy it. Some people do enjoy bright things. I mean if you would have known me Yeah. If you would have known me before, you know, this before I hit this level of y understanding, I guess, and and knowing who the fuck I am, what the fuck we are, you know, how we operate, you would have gone, Well, you you hate all things bright and I might have agreed with you because I didn’t understand that yeah, I don’t like the color yellow.

because the wavelength and my eyes do not mix. ⁓ and yet everything in my house is sepotoned because I need warm lighting because blue light hurts way more. But then like I learned that and then I started ⁓ utilizing artwork and stuff and like

Spenceroni (59:47)
Yeah. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (59:55)
painting and putting more stuff out there because I like I like colors. I know it’s hard to believe. But I love colors and I understand that colors exist in this iteration with light. Without light I can’t have my colors. I can’t make awesome resin tables that just look like magic.

Spenceroni (59:59)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Right. Right.

The ShortMerc (1:00:14)
You know, ⁓ so like I’ve learned that light is it’s important, but I also need to regulate it so that I don’t go back into that corrupted acid acidic nature of all things bright are evil. You know, ’cause all things bright aren’t evil. They’re it’s not b it’s not bad. I mean I have my preferences. I do like darker, deeper tones.

Spenceroni (1:00:33)
Certainly not.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:00:38)
but they’re just a bit more comfortable. It’s just I I had to take a second to understand the brightness, to understand the light a little bit more. And yeah, I talk shit to the sun all the time, like you stupid son of bitch, you go up there just shining doing your own thing, which I love it when we get pictures back from NASA with the sun like giving us the finger. I take that as a personal fuck you dress and I’m like, yeah, there it is. ⁓ yeah, pineapples are my favorite fruit because they try to eat you back.

Spenceroni (1:00:50)
⁓

Ha ha.

That’s so funny.

Mm-hmm. ⁓

The ShortMerc (1:01:10)
So like I’d I kinda think of it and when I’m having really shitty days, like I think of my

my conflict with the sun is kind of a back and forth. But then I also know that I go back into, you know, my dark little hole and then night falls and I can come bright the fuck back out and, you know, experience life a little bit more. And it’s a different life at at night. Like dark life is whew, it is vastly different. And a lot of people who are used to brighter life and and sunshine and happiness and you know, whatever, not that there’s anything wrong with it.

Spenceroni (1:01:41)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

The ShortMerc (1:01:45)
When they see Dark Life, they’re god, it’s fucking terrifying. And it’s like it’s not I could see that, but it’s not.

Spenceroni (1:01:51)
Right. Yeah.

I think well, I would imagine for a lot of people when you’re talking about like literal dark life, right? I think that that part of that probably is biological programming of just like I can’t see as well. I am there’s possible threats around. There’s something that kind of triggers in your mind of just like, am I in danger? So I get that, you know. ⁓ I I have a problem where for the life of me, my circadian rhythm is just fucking constantly broken.

It’s like a it’s like a little broken toy that I keep trying to get like I keep winding it up to try to get it to do a backflip, even though one of the legs on it’s like cracked off. Like I I it’s it’s never consistent. ⁓ so like I will have certain weeks where I am waking up at 7 30 a.m. and I’m, you know, going to bed at, you know, 10 PM or whatever, right? And then they’re and then the next week I’m going to bed at 3 a.m. and I’m waking up at

The ShortMerc (1:02:20)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Spenceroni (1:02:47)
10 p.m. You know, like it’s it’s it’s bad. It’s it’s never consistent. But I I enjoy the atmosphere of walking around outside really late at night when nobody else is awake. There’s something about that that is oddly peaceful, or being up late and working on things late at night where it’s like.

No the rest of the world is asleep and nobody’s gonna bother me. And I can just lock in.

The ShortMerc (1:03:21)
Yeah. It’s it’s that sandman

energy, man. You ca it’s almost like you can feel the healing from all of the the REM sleep and second wave sleep and delta waves and it’s just like, cool, I can like motor down and actually focus and then I feel

Spenceroni (1:03:31)
Mm.

The ShortMerc (1:03:38)
grounded enough to do so. Like if something were to interrupt me I could go, What is that? and not freak out about it, you know, kind of that kind of thing. Because and then circadian rhythms do play a huge part in this ’cause last night I think I f this morning I went to sleep at five thirty and got up at seven thirteen. ⁓ but that’s normal for me and at about three o’clock I’ll conk out for two more hours and then I’ll just be up and then I might take a nap at eleven o’clock at night and then move around. ⁓

Spenceroni (1:03:56)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Wow.

The ShortMerc (1:04:08)
Yeah, it’s just that the I my rhythms are wild. But at the same time, like you said

Spenceroni (1:04:11)
Yeah. Yours is more broken than mine is yours doesn’t

even have legs. Your wind up doesn’t even have legs.

The ShortMerc (1:04:16)
It’s because it’s not supposed to be on land spez is supposed to be in the bathtub. Cause it’s a fish. ⁓ but yeah, so like all all of that to say is maybe your circadian rhythms might actually be a little

Spenceroni (1:04:20)
Why isn’t this work?

The ShortMerc (1:04:36)
on a different set of things. That’s th like that’s part of the medical vampire for me, because when the body is like, I need sleep, I need sleep. And I did go looking at this and it turns out it’s a really, really ancient way of human bodies taking time to regenerate because that’s when threat matrixes were lowest and all this other stuff. ⁓ so you you could actually be experiencing some like old school genetic programming.

Spenceroni (1:04:49)
Mm.

Hmm.

⁓ yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:05:01)
And the fact that you’re able to put some of that aside at like the what’s going on, am I safe? What’s this threat looking like right now? ⁓ and you can enjoy the nighttime. It’s it’s nice. Like it’s nice to hear. ‘Cause you do like the sunshine and going out during the bright hours. Yeah.

Spenceroni (1:05:10)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Love it. I’m gonna do that today

after probably after we end this pod. I’m probably gonna go on a quick walk.

The ShortMerc (1:05:26)
Yeah, yeah.

I I’m actually in the darkest part of my apartment. There’s not a single room window here. And I’m underground, so I’m I’m safe.

Spenceroni (1:05:31)
They’re content. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:05:41)
But yeah, like it you but you still take the time to to walk in the darkness at night. And like I still take the time to enjoy the morning when I can. You know? And when it’s a dark and gloomy day, you guys get ready for it ’cause I switch on daywalker mode.

Spenceroni (1:05:50)
Mm-hmm.

That’s when you have your vampire sweatshirt, your medical vampire sweatshirt and walk around.

The ShortMerc (1:06:02)
Yeah. Yeah.

That’s exactly correct. Exactly. ‘Cause like if you see underneath it I’ve got a UV sweatshirt underneath my sweatshirt, sweatshirt, underneath this T shirt with UV gloves and a UV gator across my face with giant four hundred UV extra dark lenses. Yeah.

Spenceroni (1:06:12)
Mm.

If I dressed

up like that, there would just be a perpet perpetual puddle behind me. It would just be a snail trail of fucking sweat. I or I sweat just like with a t-shirt on. I run so hot that like there would literally just be s constant sweat dripping out of my pant legs if I was dressed up like that.

The ShortMerc (1:06:25)
Yeah

Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I think my skin has just figured out how to retool all of the moisture it loses, so that is just like my own steam room, my pores are just great. But ⁓ yeah, man. And side note, nod to darkness, because that again, that’s where a lot of creativity comes out. ⁓ I Dev and I would not have met

Spenceroni (1:06:51)
That’s wild.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:07:04)
correctly if it wasn’t for the fact that he does a lot of paintings and art himself and I needed an outlet. When I used to get really upset, ⁓ and couldn’t make words happen correctly, I would draw tiny little seemingly demon figures, come to find out they’re more like little Oni. Like in the Japanese culture. With like hatchets and stuff running around chasing people because I was annoyed. Desperately annoyed. ⁓

Spenceroni (1:07:24)
Okay, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:07:33)
Not angry, desperately annoyed. ⁓ but then, you know, he started painting some stuff and like one day I think we ended up working on the same piece and it’s almost like the brain clicked and went, Hey, you two actually know each other. You should talk. And I was like, Alright, and the coffee guy? You want me to talk to the body’s barista? Okay. ⁓ that’s fine.

Spenceroni (1:07:35)
Mm.

Mm.

Yeah,

yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:07:55)
But then

we s we started working together and it like I started mixing more dark tones and he started encouraging more of it and then like I get more canvas and he explores more of his style and then even in, you know, our our darker moments he puts a he expresses a lot of that on

canvas and then the body gets a chance to that’s not a scary thought or that’s not a problematic thing. That’s just dev expressing himself, which is different than the rest of us. But you know, he’s just putting it on paper of how he feels. So then when I go and I do it, because I do a lot of breach and like layered and abstract stuff, ⁓ expressionist stuff, the body doesn’t freak out and break my fucking paintbrushes.

‘Cause it’s like I’m not actually angry. I am also just trying to connect and you put me in touch with Dev and we do some awesome work together, so I would really like to just keep doing that and you can just chill the fuck out. ⁓ but we we needed to go through dark times to get there. We needed to understand that the other one was there, probably also going through the same shit, and the body had to understand that even though the times were dark and the expression was similar to something it understood in the past, our understanding was different. So

its reaction it’s its part in this whole thing would also be different. In fact it would be healing. And that’s kind of how we started talking about all this stuff and you know how ideas like podcasting, Yeah, well that’s what you that’s what you do sometimes when you have that bullish energy. You just kinda

Spenceroni (1:09:25)
Amazing.

The ShortMerc (1:09:34)
Hey, why don’t we retool this and make something good happen out of it? but yeah, so all I have to say is it’s I like the fact that you went the creative route with darkness, because it’s not even just artwork. I mean, that’s where a lot of people with PTSD heal. That’s where a lot of people who

Spenceroni (1:09:38)
Totally.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:09:51)
who help people with, you know, traumatic experiences heal. That’s where a lot of teachers find their solace away from they love their students but they need to recharge. That’s where your your subconscious finds its voice. You know, that’s where all of these things kind of fall into place when it’s dark and it’s still and it’s quiet and you have the opportunity to listen to, you know, the whispers on the wind type type of thing. that darkness is not a bad thing.

Spenceroni (1:10:00)
Yeah.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

The ShortMerc (1:10:20)
It can become a bad thing. Just about anything can become a bad thing. ⁓ but it it’s got its moments. I think that’s and that’s what we sh should probably remember. Like it’s it can be scary. But you got this.

Spenceroni (1:10:33)
Right. Right. Right.

Like explore it, you know, have some level of like I don’t know if if caution’s the right word. It’s like walking through like if you’re walking if you’re on a hike and you’re walking through really tall like brush and things, right? It’s like you don’t have to stare at every single inch and step and be freaked out the whole time. But you do need to be a little bit aware, make sure you’re not stepping on any weird plants.

make sure you’re just keeping an eye out in case there’s a venomous sta snake nearby. ⁓ but, you know, keep don’t be afraid to explore it. ⁓

The ShortMerc (1:11:08)
Yeah. I mean

side note for any any new hikers out there, that’s any kind of brush, even if you just see leaves on the ground, be very careful where you step, especially in places like Massachusetts, where the ground is often uneven. Please don’t die. But yeah, yeah, to that to that point though, that’s you have to keep moving forward. Like you you you can explore it respectfully. And you should. I mean honestly.

Spenceroni (1:11:20)
Mm.

Yep. Right. Please don’t.

Yes. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:11:39)
⁓ and I I don’t I don’t think that’s not even ⁓ just a word of advice. That’s ⁓

You’re a you’re existing and this is a part of existence. Much like space, it should be explored respectfully, ’cause you don’t know what you don’t know. And if you if you’re going into a dark place and you sense maybe I need a little bit of help because this is something I haven’t dealt with before, I guarantee if you don’t know somebody in your life who can help you out with it, you can find somebody who will help you out with it. And if you need those kind of resources, I must say, you can you can definitely drop us a line and we’ll help you out.

Spenceroni (1:12:13)
Totally. And

and the ’cause the the opposite of that is what I was talking about earlier, which is like repression. And and feeling isolated and feeling like, my god, I must be some sort of freak or evil or something negative that I’m associating with it because I have these, you know, thoughts and feelings or whatever.

The ShortMerc (1:12:19)
Yes.

Yeah, not a and and that’s the thing too, like you’re gonna have these thoughts, you’re gonna have these feelings and everybody’s got dark moments, you know, and I I kind of I feel for the people who run from them. ⁓

Spenceroni (1:12:44)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:12:45)
I

get it if you need to take some space and like, whoa, that’s a that’s a dark cloud, I gotta deal with that, but whoa, give me a second. Like that there’s a difference between taking a moment to regroup yourself and and get ready for it and then running from it infinitely because beyond repression there’s also burnout and burnout’s terrifying. ’cause when you’re running from the thing and the thing is inevitably going to catch you because darkness there as much as there is day, there will always be night.

Spenceroni (1:12:52)
Yeah.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:13:13)
It’s gonna get you. And it’s

Spenceroni (1:13:14)
Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:13:15)
not necessarily a bad thing, but if you’ve been running from it and you’ve told yourself it’s evil, it’s bad, it’s it’s gonna kill me, it’s gonna corrupt me, it’s you know, these are dark thoughts and all these things. ⁓ you end up becoming the thing you fear and darkness had nothing to do with it. Much like my tiff with the sun, it does not care.

Spenceroni (1:13:34)
Right. Right.

Yeah, th there’s people who run from it. I also for some reason my brain just like pictured had like this image of like there are also people who will be staring face to face with darkness and they’ll get a paintbrush and try to and paint a h big smiley face on it. And then they’re just like but they’re but they’re not they’re not then observing like the the irony or the humor of like, isn’t it funny I tried to like make light of this thing and they’re legitimately like, No, this is a happy thing.

Like you know what I mean? Like I I find that that I don’t relate to.

The ShortMerc (1:14:04)
Yeah.

I that ⁓ I I don’t either. I kinda that actually freaks me out a little bit when I see people doing that when they’re just like, No, this is a good thing and I’m like, Okay

Spenceroni (1:14:20)
Right.

The ShortMerc (1:14:22)
It’s it’s it’s a thing. It’s not good or bad, it’s just there. It’s okay. Do you need to talk to somebody? Like

Spenceroni (1:14:26)
Right.

It’s some form

of it must be it’s just some form of coping. I’m just not familiar with it.

The ShortMerc (1:14:33)
It’s it it is some form of coping, but it does everything ⁓ I hate the word disservice, but it does everything a disservice. ’cause it’s like, yeah, I’m gonna paint this happy and it it’s you’re coping with it and you’re trying to deal with it, but you’re not seeing it for what it is and then when you don’t see it for what it is, when it inevitably shows you what it is to a point where you can’t ignore it, you’re gonna end a defeatal position and you’re not getting back up.

Spenceroni (1:14:58)
Right. Right. How do

you combat it then or or work with it then? You know.

The ShortMerc (1:15:02)
Right, like

like and some people get there and they do get back from it, but they have a lot of they have support or they have help or something in them snaps and their whole engine rewires it and they’re like, yeah, fuck this you know. But there are a lot of people who don’t come back from that. ⁓ and it’s like don’t don’t fear the darkness. It’s like blue eyes circle, don’t fear the reaper. Yeah. Ugh Man.

Spenceroni (1:15:08)
Mm-hmm.

Ugh. I saw them live with my dad when I was like fourteen.

They f fucking rocked. They I it was amazing show.

The ShortMerc (1:15:33)
I so jealous. So

d I wish I could do concerts. I can barely do like T V. Like I’m sitting in my living room rocking back and forth because everything’s too loud. No, it sounds Yeah, no. I miss it though. I d I definitely miss that kind of stuff. Like that I wish I could have seen them in concert and Metallica.

Spenceroni (1:15:46)
Right, right. Yeah, maybe not concerts then.

Ooh, yeah, that’d be cool.

The ShortMerc (1:15:57)
Like Lil Sis saw

Metallica in concert and I was like, You bitch ⁓ But yeah, man, it’s like you you don’t don’t really fear the darkness and you just learn your weathering around it. And you might need a crew to weather it, you know, externally, internally, whatever. You might need your crew. You know, for those of us who are plurals, we definitely need our crew.

Spenceroni (1:16:01)
Ha ha

Right.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:16:19)
For

those who are singulars with ⁓ some external influence, you definitely need your cre like I think everybody’s gonna need their crew one way or another, and to understand that there are some parts of the darkness that only you can go to. Just know that if you get stuck we’ll always just we don’t know where you are, but we’re gonna just keep screaming until you figure it out.

Spenceroni (1:16:38)
Totally. I I

have a tattoo on my forearm. ⁓ that’s it’s a message in a bottle. And I got this for myself because I realized at some point in my life like I need to remind myself like when I need help, ask for it. Like and and don’t just try to weather it alone. When I like when it gets to that point, ask for help. Throw out a bottle. Even if you don’t know where, just out somewhere. You know, at don’t be afraid to ask for help.

The ShortMerc (1:16:45)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah, exactly. And I mean like if people laugh at you when you’re asking for help, they’re not the right people to help you anyway. The right people are out there. Like the right resources there. You you’re coming up on things and you’re gonna be able to get through it one way or another.

Spenceroni (1:17:10)
Yeah. Yeah.

That when they laugh at you like that, then you can pull that bully p side out of you and just be like say something mean

The ShortMerc (1:17:21)
Yeah.

Or you can just start laughing with them and just just keep laughing and walk away and then look back at them and keep laughing and walk away. People get really uncomfortable when you do shit like that.

Spenceroni (1:17:27)
Right.

Ha ha

Right. And then

do the thing where you point at your two eyes and then you like point at them.

The ShortMerc (1:17:40)
Yeah and then just like respond to yourself like you’re having a conversation, even if no one’s talking inside or out. Just like yeah, I know, right? Like make you right. Yeah. No, it’s one of those fucking things, man. That it’s it’s beautiful. You you you do end up finding your people. Find your people, man. ⁓ at the end of the day all of the all of us are going on our own fucking wild ass journeys.

Spenceroni (1:17:50)
my god.

It is.

Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:18:09)
And it’s really important to find places where you can port in the storm and people who will get on that ship with you and go out there and explore. Yeah. Yeah. We won’t even get into that. I got I got things ⁓ possibly cooking.

Spenceroni (1:18:17)
And have cool crossover episodes. ⁓

⁓

Hell yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:18:29)
Hoping you also have things possibly cooking. And ⁓ see, Spence is a forgiving sound guy. He doesn’t try to bite our faces off or anything like that. He’s nice he’s nice guy. And then we’ll

Spenceroni (1:18:41)
I’m a nice guy. I just have seething rage just repressing

inside of me. No.

The ShortMerc (1:18:45)
It’s it’s

okay, you can call the rage mechanic, I got you. Uh-huh. I’ll help you. That’s actually ⁓ something I wanna do now is I’m I asked Ashley for a couple of resources on becoming a peer certified peer support specialist. ⁓ ’cause I’ve noticed that a lot of anger and rage and darkness, you know, programs are

Spenceroni (1:18:48)
Ha ha

Hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:19:06)
Okay, this is how we quell it. Okay, this is how we deal with it. this is how we cope with it. And it’s not this is how we use it as a functioning part of our everyday. ⁓ so that’s kinda that’s something that is possible, just for all of my angry rage rage heads out there. ⁓

You can retool the nuclear energy into being a power source. It’s just it takes a lot of effort on your part and there’s a lot of frustration. And then you just have to be okay with the fact that you’re gonna be perpetually annoyed at all the dumb fuckery that you’re gonna experience. And that’s okay.

Spenceroni (1:19:36)
Right. It’s I mean, you tell me if I’m wrong, maybe

I’m oversimplifying this. I’ve always found like a lot of my anger is is like disappointed idealism.

The ShortMerc (1:19:50)
Sometimes it is. That’s why I say anger is a toddler. It’s not that it doesn’t have a a valid point of view. It just tends to be one of the younger emotions that takes a little bit longer to grow up. ⁓ so and but we mistake it for being the same age because it’s been around since, you know, we could scream when we’re hungry. ⁓ so we’re like, No, but my anger’s my age and it’s like, No, your anger’s still a fucking toddler. You have to force that motherfucker to grow up

Spenceroni (1:20:09)
Mm-hmm.

The ShortMerc (1:20:17)
Like you have to force you have to put it in a hyperbolic time chamber, lock the door, and leave it there for a week.

Spenceroni (1:20:23)
Right.

Love it.

The ShortMerc (1:20:27)
Like, yeah, it’s it’s not a bad thing to have innately, but it is a thing that needs to be tempered correctly. And like and everybody feels it to some extent. It’s just everybody’s got a different kind of core.

Spenceroni (1:20:35)
Right.

Right, right. And at some at some point it definitely stems. I I I like to sometimes look at things through the lens of like how our bodies have evolved. Like clearly there was an evolutionary benefit to anger and rage. Like like and so then it’s just interesting to then have to adapt to that in modern society. Like how where does that fit in in our modern setting, you know?

The ShortMerc (1:21:07)
Yeah, usually entertainment hand trades craft. You know, making people laugh because you’ve gone through it already. Like that’s usually if and you know, I’d folks, comedians need a minute. Give them a minute after a show especially. Like they’re trying to be nice to you, but they’re also they just ripped open a bunch of trauma wounds that you you can’t give a second.

Spenceroni (1:21:10)
Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:21:34)
Let them come back to I need to be social again. Woo. Woof no or you know a bourbon. Or a blunt, whatever. Yeah, exactly. All three. Just leave them alone for just a second.

Spenceroni (1:21:37)
Right, let him finish a diet coke first.

We sure. Poor poor Kate and l no lost dose. Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:21:51)
But like I think, you know, being able to retool stuff like that. Like being able to retool anxiety into being somebody’s cheerleader. Like you know how many life coaches have anxiety? How many decent life co I’m not talking about the shit ones you find who are on like not even group on like the Craigslist of Group.

Spenceroni (1:22:07)
Coupon. Coupon.

That was what a poll.

The ShortMerc (1:22:12)
But like, nah, they’re not they’re not those life coaches. I mean the good ones who are like there with you in the shit. You know, you notice how they’ve had their own anxious, you know, fit or therapists a lot of therapists have anxiety, a lot of healers have anxiety, a lot of musicians have all the emotions ever, and there’s just a deep plug on how it comes out, you know, it’s

Spenceroni (1:22:18)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:22:35)
y you can retool it. Even being incredibly happy all the time. Like that’s exa happiness is exhausting, dude. Like and I this is definitely a season two topic, but happiness is fucking exhausting.

Spenceroni (1:22:41)
my god.

Yeah,

⁓ I would love to talk to you about that at some point because I get me on that episode.

The ShortMerc (1:22:51)
Hell yeah.

Yes, sir. I we can definitely

do the amount of shit that I randomly text you of hey Spencer, if we could do this, would that work? ⁓ But yeah, no, absolutely. ‘Cause it’s exhausting. But like the happy person also has to retool that happiness. You know, the person who’s depressed on the inside, they have to learn how to retool that depression. Like

Spenceroni (1:23:01)
Yeah. Perfect. ⁓

The ShortMerc (1:23:16)
They might have to they might have to lay in hard to like some Renfare shit that a lot of people are like, That’s weird and they’re like, You can go fuck yourself, I like it. Like, yeah, that might seem abrasive, but they’ve retooled that depression and maybe that helps somebody else out, you know, who’s going through some shit and is seeing somebody they know is depressed actually reut like utilizing the depression to be like Dark Lord of some insane camelot thing. ⁓ I blame Merlin for this. This is all Bradley James as well. And ⁓

Spenceroni (1:23:23)
Right.

Right.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:23:45)
You know, or

Spenceroni (1:23:46)
Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:23:49)
But yeah, I mean like it all these cores need to be retooled, it’s some they all need to be dealt with. And it’s it’s not and you can also have a dark rage core. My rage core is dark as hell. Like if if I w this were Star Wars I would definitely be a Sith who lives in the mountains somewhere who’s also a Jedi. Like I would just be like, Don’t talk don’t if you’re here there’s a problem. But

Spenceroni (1:23:55)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah.

I I think too, like, you know, I d I try my best to I I it’s always hard to make claims about yourself because like what you know, it’s it’s whatever, never mind. Forget that part. ⁓ I right. I I generally try to consider I try I try to be an empathetic person. I try to be an empathetic person, but when

The ShortMerc (1:24:29)
We’ll get back there one day.

Spenceroni (1:24:40)
you have a decent EQ and you practice empathy, the other side of that is like you are thinking it’s because you’re like aware of all like the dark shit. You know what I mean? It’s like a weird two sided coin. It’s it’s it’s a constant awareness of darkness just as much as it is like empathy. I don’t know.

The ShortMerc (1:24:54)
Yeah.

Mhm. And like

and so like you talked about your tattoo, your message in the bottle. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. So my most recent tattoo s it’s actually a kinda hilarious thing to me, is ⁓ this guy. I don’t know if you can even see this guy over there. Yeah. So, ⁓ I found out later this is a bind rune for courage that I have

Spenceroni (1:25:12)
Hmm. ⁓ yeah, you sent me a picture of that.

Viewers, by the

way, she just pulled down her pants and ⁓ flashed her butt at me.

The ShortMerc (1:25:23)
Yeah, that’s what we do here.

Proop and fart jokes and butts all the time. Yeah. No, but I found it it’s it’s ⁓ it’s a binder for courage now in in Nordic traditions and it’s typically used for that. And I attached it to a laughing face because I’ve been through so much shit now, I just laugh at everything. It’s just

Spenceroni (1:25:27)
Sorry. I’m sorry.

Mm.

Mm.

The ShortMerc (1:25:48)
It’s all one hell of a joke. But for me I was putting together three different runes for myself.

And they were Tewaz, Othala, ⁓ and Al Jeez. And I put them together kind of as an accountability, but you know, as much as there’s accountability for being a leader, for working, for being the abrasive rage core person that I am, that it it’s going to create a space for other people to be able to do what they need to do. And by no means do I think I am a leader, but people like to put that

on my hat and it makes me really uncomfortable at having this part of the conversation’s making me uncomfortable.

Spenceroni (1:26:24)
Mm.

Ha ha ha

The ShortMerc (1:26:29)
But since it’s been put there, I guess, ⁓ that’s it reminds me every time I look at it. Like one, it’s not to take things not to take things too seriously, but to remember you can always laugh about it because one way or another it was bound to happen. And two, you have you have not only a responsibility, but the ability to control the way your dark core is used. Like this dark rage core that I have, it’s my job to control the way that it’s used. It’s my job to master my rage core. It is my job.

To understand my darkness, ⁓ for many reasons. So every time I look at that now, it’s like, hey, you can either let anger take the keys again, knowing full and well that it is still in its toddler state, or you can be a fucking adult about it, and you can control where this goes, because it’s gonna happen. So deal with it. Be a leader, create something that other people will be able to step up to and utilize even when you’re gone.

Spenceroni (1:27:26)
Mm.

The ShortMerc (1:27:27)
And do what you know you’re supposed to be doing. Like that’s where your responsibility comes in. So yours is ask for help, and mine is be the help that’s being asked for.

Spenceroni (1:27:35)
Like it. I love that.

The ShortMerc (1:27:38)
my job. I’m an angry fuck. Hey man. That’s and that’s the thing, is like when you need me, I’m there. When I need my buddies, you guys are all there. So that’s that’s kind of the give and take. And by no means do all of us have Rage Wars. We’re like we’re like the Justice League.

Spenceroni (1:27:39)
The best to ever do it though.

True. ⁓ yeah.

Yeah.

The ShortMerc (1:28:03)
And somehow Frank Castle got put in the middle of it.

Spenceroni (1:28:06)
Which which one am I?

The ShortMerc (1:28:09)
Barry Allen. You’re the Flash. Yeah.

Spenceroni (1:28:10)
Barry Allen? I’m so ⁓ fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah.

I need to I need to get up I’m so uncultured on superhero stuff.

The ShortMerc (1:28:22)
⁓ don’t worry, we’ll get you all cultured up. We’ll go ⁓ to what’s the arcade? Help me out, Buster Person.

Spenceroni (1:28:29)
⁓

What the fuck? Why am I forgetting two? Wait a minute. ⁓

The ShortMerc (1:28:36)
Well he remembers the name. There’s this bomb ass place where you can go, it’s like a bar and an arcade and you pay like a twelve dollar cover or something like that. There we go. You go in, you play all your games. That’s what we’ll do. We’ll head on down to free play and then we’ll just geek it up for the night. There you go. Perfect. Perfect and I c I think maybe I talk a little too much for Batman.

Spenceroni (1:28:44)
Free play.

That was my flash speed brain.

The ShortMerc (1:29:05)
Unless it’s a Bruce unless the real like Bruce Wayne moment, then I guess like I’ll take that one.

Spenceroni (1:29:11)
I can see the Batman. I I can I can totally see that. I think that’s pretty accurate.

The ShortMerc (1:29:13)
Hey

you know my brooding psycho side. ⁓

Spenceroni (1:29:17)
Also, if

I was the flash, like I said earlier, there’d be pr a perpetual snail trail behind me. So like it’d just be this quick line of sweat just flicking everywhere.

The ShortMerc (1:29:25)
It’s It maybe.

You think it would be a quick line of sweat or do you think he moves fast enough that the sweat evaporates?

Spenceroni (1:29:34)
snap. That’s a thought. Either that or i if it doesn’t do that, then it just sprinklers in all directions.

The ShortMerc (1:29:40)
He’s

moisturizing everyone else’s skin.

Spenceroni (1:29:45)
Everyone

else is just grossed out when he’s running around ’cause they just get covered in a wall of sweat.

The ShortMerc (1:29:47)
Ha ha

They all d they also get a little shocked ’cause he tends to have like the lightning trail so sh went electricity.

See this is the bad side of too much brightness.

Spenceroni (1:30:02)
⁓

No, now we’re now we’re getting into silly goofy whimsy and I it’s a be it’s a beautiful thing.

The ShortMerc (1:30:08)
Yeah.

It really is. And that is the other side of understanding all the different parts. Now I wanna go see who everybody is though. Like we need to have everybody mapped out who they are in the justi who are you in the Justice League? Let’s find out. ⁓ man. So yeah, no guys, don’t be afraid of darkness. Ask for help when you need it. And for those of us who have weathered the darkness, be the help that everybody’s asking for, please. We can do this. We got this. We don’t have to fail this group project.

Spenceroni (1:30:19)
Yeah.

Right. I love it.

Mm. Yes.

Yeah jumps in the air and freeze frames.

The ShortMerc (1:30:41)
And then moons everybody in the next trees.

Go do things, guys. But

Great. I’m trying, I’m trying.